Broken

Fear Response

*THIS SECTION CONTAINS MATURE THEMES SUCH AS SELF HARM AND ABUSE. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED*

"I'm sure you deserved it."
"If you'd been a better woman he wouldn't have done that."
"I still don't understand why you insist on leaving him."
"You're weak."
"You're going to ruin his life with your lies."
I sat at the desk in my bedroom with my head in my hands, my mother's voice screaming in my head. My breathing ragged and irregular; my heart pounded in my chest. My hands shook violently, putting Malcolm's tremors to shame. Sitting in front of me near the middle of the desk was a small silver razor blade, two tissues folded into small squares and a large bottle of rubbing alcohol. I'd started using this system when I'd began hurting myself at the beginning of January.
I picked up one of the tissues and splashed alcohol on it. I cleaned the inside of my left forearm before picking up the blade in my trembling hand. As I dragged the blade across my arm, splitting my skin apart, my heartrate slowed, my breathing calmed, and my hands stopped shaking. Silent tears streamed down my face mimicking the blood spilling from the four lines I made in my arm.
I took a deep breath composing myself as my phone rang.
"Russell?" I answered not bothering to look at the caller ID.
"Lily. It's Gil. I've been trying to reach Bright but he's not answering. Can you go check on him and bring him out to this crime scene?" He asked.
"Sure. Text me the address and we'll be there as soon as we can." I answered watching the blood pool up on my arm.
After I hung up I splashed more alcohol on the second tissue and cleaned the blood from my arm. I bandaged the arm and dressed in a black pantsuit and a white undershirt.
I pulled up outside Malcolm's apartment building to find his mother standing outside on the phone.
"Jessica?" I called climbing out of the car.
"Have you spoken to my son?" She asked me.
"Not today." I responded.
I heard the window shatter less than a second before glass rained down on Jessica and I. I looked up to see Malcolm dangling out the window by one of his restraints.
"Malcolm!" I called his name.
I unlocked the door with the key he'd given me and ran up the stairs to his apartment with Jessica a half step behind me.
"Malcolm, I need you to reach up to me." I called as I leaned out his window.
He took my hand and helped me pull him back into the room.
"Can you step onto my feet? There's glass all over the floor."
I helped him walk into the room without cutting up the bottoms of his feet.
"Gil's been trying to call you. We have a new case. I'll wait out in the car for you to talk to your mom." I told him gently touching his shoulder.
While I waited in the driver's seat of my car I absentmindedly ran my fingers over the four cuts I'd made on my arm from outside my jacket sleeve.
"Are you okay?" Malcolm asked climbing into my passenger seat.
"I'm not the one throwing myself out my window." I chuckled.
"True, but I know that look." He smiled at me.
"Don't worry about me." I answered.
"That's not answering my question." He pointed out.
"No. It isn't." I sighed.
"I'm not okay but you don't need to worry about that right now. What were you dreaming about?" I asked sliding the car into drive and slipping onto the road.
"I found the girl in the box. My father grabbed me from behind and chloroformed me. Did I ever say anything to you about this when we were young?" He asked.
"No. Not that I remember." I answered shaking my head.
We pulled up outside a small park near New York University. Malcolm helped me as we made our way down into the forest towards the crime scene.
"Professor David Holton." Dani says as we approach the body.
"He has some damage to his optic nerve resulting in the pure white eyes." Edrisa said motioning Malcolm and I forward.
"What are these incisions here?" I asked standing next to her.
"The killer removed the brain." She answered pulling on the hair revealing the opening in the skull.
"Hmm..." I muttered examining the opening.
"You aren't disgusted?" JT asked me.
"To be completely honest this isn't the worst thing I've ever seen." I shrugged standing up straight.
"Our killer is what's known as a visionary killer. He likely suffers from a severe mental illness and recently suffered a psychotic break. Visionary killers believe they are serving some kind of higher power." Malcolm explained.
"Bright, Lily look at this." Edrisa called to us.
Pinned to the victims undershirt is a note with seemingly random words scribbled on it.
Malcolm and I shared a look.
"What does it mean?" Gil asked.
"We're not sure but we know that both the note and the missing brain have great significance to our killer." Malcolm responded.
Malcolm and I stood with the rest of the team in the conference room looking over the crime scene photos and Edrisa's full autopsy report when a young officer walked in.
"Mr. Bright? Telephone for you. Your doctor." She said.
I watched him as he walked out, glanced at Gil before returning my attention to Dani and JT's new theory.
"Lily." Gil said my name.
I walked over to him and he motioned silently to Malcolm sitting at the desk with his back to us. His hand trembled violently.
I walked out and gently took his hand. He looked up at me as I sat on the desk next to him, his hand sandwiched between mine.
"Goodbye Dr. Whitly." He sighed hanging up the phone.
"I'm growing tired of these phone privileges." He muttered.
"So am I." I nodded squeezing his hand.
"Gil wants us to take Bright with us to the college to interview Elaine Brown." Dani said walking over to us.
I looked up and caught Gil's eye, his expression unreadable.
"That's a great idea." I smiled at Malcolm.
"Lily. Help me out with this." Gil called.
After Malcolm left Gil pulled me into his office.
"What is it, Gil? You've been giving me that look since we got to the crime scene." I sighed sitting on the couch.
It surprised me when he sat next to me.
"I sent Malcolm with Dani and JT so he wouldn't see us talking. Since the day I met you you've always told me that you run warm. Since you've been back to New York you've only worn short sleeves, until today." He sighed looking at me.
"So?" I asked almost silently.
"Show me." He insisted.
I sighed and took my jacket off revealing the bandage wrapped around my forearm.
"When did it start?" He asked gently touching the edge of the bandage.
"January fourth."
"Does he know?"
I shook my head.
"He knows something's wrong but I don't think he'd ever guess it's this bad." I answered.
"It was worse in DC. I could hardly go a week without... Every where I went was another memory. I keep hearing my mother's voice telling me it's my fault."
"But it isn't, Lily. None of the things that happened to you are your fault."
"Tell my parents that." I laughed dryly.
"If they ever spoke to me I would. Does Evan know?"
"No. Evan just started his senior year so we don't spend a whole lot of time together anymore." I sighed shaking my head.
"You need to talk to someone." He said gently.
"I'm talking to you."
"I'm not Evan and I'm not Malcolm. You need to talk to one of them. They're the one's that'll pull you back out of this."
"Yeah, maybe." I leaned back against the back of the couch.
"Give Malcolm a chance. I know he seems fragile right now but you're his strength as much as he is yours."
"Then why'd he leave?" I asked still struggling to justify it in my head.
"Fear. Love for Malcolm is a terrifying thing and to feel as deeply as he feels for you is paralyzing. He left to get distance and he had no idea how to tell you." He repeated the same things Malcolm told me and I realized they'd talked about this.
"We haven't even made time to talk about it. We just keep pushing it off. I think we're both afraid of what the outcome will be." I sighed.
"You've been friends for twenty one years. Whatever happens don't you think you're relationship is stronger?"
I nodded.
"I'll talk to him." I assured him.
"You should. You both need someone to lean on. He doesn't know about Bryce at all, does he?"
"No. I haven't found time to tell him. How do I tell him?"
"The same way you tell him everything else. No matter what you tell him he'll support you."
"I know you're right. I just don't want to hurt him."
"Keeping it from him is going to hurt him more in the long run. What happens if you accidentally cut too deep and he has to find out from the hospital? Or worse he has to find you after? What if it's too late to save you then?" He took my hand in his practically pleading with me.
"I'll tell him after the case. I don't want him distracted now. It could be dangerous." I sighed.
"Okay. Okay. I hope you know that I'm just trying to help." He gently squeezed my hand.
I nodded.
"If anyone can talk you off this ledge it's Malcolm."
"I know."
"Hey. Is everything okay? Oh my gosh, what happened to your arm?" Malcolm exclaimed walking in.
I sighed and glanced at Gil who nodded.
"Can you spare us for an hour or so?" I asked him.
"Yeah. We've got it covered." He assured me.
"Will you come over? I need to talk to you and I can't put it off anymore." I turned to Malcolm.
He nodded watching my face.
"Whatever you need."
Malcolm followed me into my loft.
"This is nice." He muttered still clearly concerned.
"Is this about what was wrong this morning?"
I nodded walking over to my couch.
"Come sit with me?" I asked.
He walked over and sat next to me.
"I have to tell you something but I don't know how." I admitted.
"You can tell me anything, Lily." He assured me turning to me.
"God, I wish you didn't have to deal with this." I sighed.
"Lily. What's going on?"
"It was not quite a year after you left. My parents made the trip down to DC for the holidays and my mother insisted I attend this fundraiser on their last night in town. She introduced me to a man, Bryce Abbott. He was a business man out of Washington DC. We didn't hit it off right away. I wasn't over you. I never got over you." I sighed looking down at my ring.
He took my hand gently.
"Evan came down the first week of his summer vacation and Bryce took us to dinner and Evan showed off the men's ring he got with the same stone. Told Bryce that he bought them for us for Christmas. I thought it was odd but I still ended up agreeing to date him. I'd meant it to be casual.
"He hit me the first time two weeks after our first date. We were arguing about this case I was working and he backhanded me. I didn't leave. I knew I should have and I wanted to but I didn't. It was like I wasn't myself anymore. I wasn't the person you knew anymore. Evan figured it out a year later. Found bruises on my arms from where he'd grab me when I'd try to walk away from him. The arms weren't even the worst he'd done but I defended him. I blamed myself for what he did. Isn't that fucking crazy?" I looked up at his face his expression unreadable.
"I still didn't leave. For another year and a half. I didn't leave until he put me in the hospital four days before Christmas last year. I'd just found out I was pregnant and was planning to leave. I didn't have much self preservation instinct but I wasn't about to raise a baby in that environment. He found out I was planning to leave and he knocked me into the counter and I split my head open." I reached up and touched the faint scar on my forehead.
"Then he was on top of me, choking me with one hand and punching me in the stomach with the other. I don't remember anything else until I woke up in the hospital. I'd lost the baby in the attack. I managed to tell one of the nurses that I wanted to get out and I knew a lieutenant in New York and if I could just get away from him I could drive up there and I'd be safe. An unrelated colleague in the hospital agreed to rent a car and they snuck me out the back. I drove straight to the precinct. I was bleeding heavily from my miscarriage. I'm sure I looked like I was dead when I asked the front desk for Gil.
"I cried when I saw him and collapsed into his arms. He got me admitted to the hospital under the name Jade Bright where I healed physically. I stayed with Evan through the holidays and my mother made it a point to tell me every time she saw me that it was my fault he hit me. If I'd been more attentive, more attractive... If I was a better woman then he wouldn't have hit me."
"Lily." Malcolm said my name, his voice sounded strangled.
Gently I pulled my hand from his and took the bandage off my arm revealing the four perfectly parallel cuts I'd made that morning.
"Oh. Lily." Malcolm took my arm in his hands gently touching the cuts.
"I couldn't get her voice out of my head. Telling me I was responsible for what he'd done to me. It was like I was ten years old again. I was responsible for being molested. If she knew what happened when we were fifteen I'd be responsible for that. I got home late the night of the third and it was like I couldn't breathe. I was suffocating and the only thing that released the pressure inside me was giving it a place to escape from. The blood reminded me that I was human, that I wasn't responsible for what happened to me. Then I couldn't stop. It's easier to heal physically than it is to heal emotionally."
My tears flowed freely now.
"I was scared. I'm still so scared of what you'll think of me now."
"Oh, Lily. Come here."
He pulled me into his arms and let me cry on his chest.
"I'm going to help you. We're going to get through this, Lily. I promise you." He assured me kissing my head.
"Why don't they love me?" I asked him.
"I don't know, baby. I can't imagine how anyone could not love you. I don't understand how anyone could want to hurt you." He held me tighter.
"I never meant to hurt you. I can never make up for leaving the way I did but I'm here now and I'll never leave you again."
"I've only ever felt safe when I'm with you." I admitted.
"You are safe with me, Lily. We'd been together five years and we'd talked about getting married and I wanted nothing more than to spend my life with you but I got so scared. I was scared I'd turn out like my father and I'd hurt you. I should have talked to you about everything that was scaring me and we'd have gotten through it together."
"Malcolm. Look at me." I whispered pulling away from him.
He looked down into my eyes.
"You are nothing like your father. Do you remember when I called you that July morning when we were fifteen?" I asked.
"Of course I do."
"I couldn't even tell you what happened and you still ran right over." I sighed.
"You are not your father. Do you hear me?"
"I hear you. I just want to be the man you need me to be."
"I need you to be you. No one and nothing else."
Malcolm's phone rang.
"Yeah, Gil." He answered.
"Yeah, we talked. We're fine." He said after a moment looking down at me.
I nodded and rested my head back on his chest.
"Yeah. We can be there. Okay."
He hung up the phone and rubbed my back.
"They think that Professor Brown might be in danger. Gil wants me to stake out her place with JT." He told me.
"I can drop you off with him." I assured him.
"Gil wants you to meet him after dropping me off."
I nodded thoughtfully.
"We're going to get through this, Lily. You and me."
"I know." I forced a smile at him.
I drove Malcolm out to Elaine Brown's house and watched him climb into JT's car before setting off to find Gil back at the precinct.
"You asked to see me." I sighed walking into his office.
"I did. It wasn't so bad, was it?" He asked with a small smile.
"No. We're okay. It's still going to take time. We can't just jump right back into a relationship. We're both different than we were then. I, for one, am much more damaged than I was then." I sighed.
"Of course you aren't going to jump right back into a relationship, but you two were made for one another. You'll find your way back in your own time." He answered.
I looked down at the ring that had spent a majority of the last eight and a half years on my right ring finger.
Maybe Gil was right. There had to be a reason I'd never stopped wearing the ring Malcolm gave me on our second anniversary.
"Gil, Lily!" Dani called rushing into the room.
"Bright called and said that the killer's after Elaine but he got cut off. I think something's wrong." She told us.
I looked at him.
"Let's get out there." He said.
Gil and Dani took Gil's car while I drove myself behind them.
When we pulled up to the house it was eerily dark and quiet. I retrieved my service pistol from the glove box and exited the car. Neither Malcolm nor JT were in his car.
"Lily take the front door, Dani and I will go around back."
I nodded and made my way to the front of the house.
The front door was slightly ajar allowing me to push it open with ease.
Inside in the dim moonlight I could see JT standing with his back to me at the base of the stairs, Elaine Brown stood on the stairs holding a shotgun aimed at Malcolm who sat on his knees on the landing looking down at her.
I caught his eye and he raised his hand signaling me to stand down.
"Please. I can talk to her. Please, just wait." He asked me.
I thought back to him wrestling around with Dani on the floor of the precinct in the throes of another night terror. JT didn't seem to have much faith in Malcolm's assurances and kept his pistol trained on Professor Brown. Cautiously I stepped forward until I stood at JT's side. I reached up and placed my hand on the muzzle of his gun.
"Give him a chance." I whispered.
He looked at me incredulously but lowered his gun slightly.
"Elaine. Everything is okay now. He's dead. Just put the gun down. My best friend..." He gestured towards me.
"She's a psychiatrist for the FBI. She'll be able to explain to the police that you were drugged. You aren't going to get in any trouble unless you shoot me. If you hurt me she can't help you."
She looked at me and slowly lowered the shotgun.
I sighed audibly as JT took Professor Brown out of the house.
"Let me take you home?" I asked gently.
He nodded wrapping his arm around me as we walked out to my car.
After dropping Malcolm off at home I went home and walked into my study where I'd left The Surgeon's case files. I placed a hand on either side of the lid and opened the box.