Giving up [Completed]

Yours sincerely

To the world,

I am tired. 

Tired of trying to keep myself together. Tired of pretending to be ok when I'm not. Tired of wondering why no one understands. 

I'm tired of trying to explain to people why I'm struggling because no one understands.

Then again, how can I explain it to others when I don't get it myself? 

I have a nice family, good marks, sorted future and a perfect life that anyone would kill for, so obviously no one understands what's wrong with me. 

I don't get it myself. 

I asked myself over and over again what's wrong. The answer I came up with was that it's me. It's all me. It's my fault I am like this.

Why, you ask?

I don't know. 

Something just isn't right. I have no reason to be depressed, to feel so hollow, and yet here we are. 

I grabbed hold of my heart and yelled at it to get it together, but was met with no response. It doesn't listen to me anymore. 

I can't breath.

If I can't help myself breath properly then it's better to stop breathing at all, right?

It's easy to talk about the end. It's hard to actually end. I lived until now because of that difficulty.

I wanted people to notice, but no one did. No one took it seriously.

It's a phase, they said. It will pass. 

It didn't.

If you would ask why I died, I would answer because I am exhausted. I don't know what went wrong with me and when, but I am just so so tired. 

Pain is just that, pain. I have now realized why people kill themselves. It's not their lives they want to end. It's the pain. That's all they want. That pain to go away. For it to stop hurting so much. 

They scolded me not to do this. Why? Why can't I even end things the way I want to? You want me to find out why I hurt? I told you, I know. I know too well. I hurt because of me.

It's odd that it hurts so much. People who actually have something terrible happen to them live fine. So am I weak? People who are weaker than me carry on fine. So why am I struggling?

I can't tell. You won't get it, anyways. Please don't say a word if you don't understand. 

Again you ask then why are you hurting? I told you why. Is it so wrong to hurt so much because of that? Do I need to have a more dramatic reason? 

I am sorry that that's all. Even now I wish something traumatizing would happen to me, so that I have an excuse for my depression. But I'm sorry. That's all.

It's a wonder I lasted so long.

Just tell me I've done well. That this is good enough. That I've worked hard. Don't blame yourself. You should have listened when I said something isn't right, but don't blame yourself because I don't. It's no one's fault. 

Why didn't you help me?

I tried to hold on, and now I'm giving up. 

Goodbye.

Yours sincerely,

An exhausted life.

I give up. 

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Read the author's note after this please. It's very important.