Hear my heart

Part 1 Chapter 1

6:30

I woke up at my alarm, feeling its vibration in my hands. So early, I thought. I couldn't sleep last night, thinking and imagining what would happen to me now that my life is changing completely..... Except for my parents. They're the first persons I see when I wake up. As I yawn for a new day, I shut my eyes in the extremely shining daylight passing through my window. I prefer it dark. ...... just like my life now...I sighed and got up to wash and prepare myself for breakfast. My mother showed me a paper that wrote "good morning" with her penmanship so beautiful that it gave me the feeling of her sweet love. I continued looking at the paper as I tasted my mom's scrambled eggs. I tried my best to keep my expression normal because I know she's asking for my feedback through my facial expression. But...., uh blehh... Too salty. I couldn't handle it anymore I grabbed some water. I ate a lot of rice which is much nicer. After that, I rose up to go to my room. But my mom touched my shoulder to catch my attention."Aren't you going to eat a little more eggs?", she wrote. I froze and didn't know what to say because I don't wanna disappoint her through my awful comment. Finally, I said, "It was good but you gotta be better po, Ma." Mom wrote, "ok ok. Change your clothes. 20 mins left before we leave.",I rushed to my room and did what I was told to do. However, " Maaaaaa, what to wear??", I said. I really can't decide. Not unlike before I'm good at picking trendy clothes, all I can see in my closet right now are tons of jackets, sweaters and long-sleeved shirts. All of my old, but nice clothes are hidden on the bottom shelf. "Anak(My child) you can't wear a jacket in Manila. It's always hot in there.", she flipped a paper in her scratch book and wrote these words. I don't care. I thought because I feel cold, always feeling like the inside of my body is cold, hollow, empty whether I'm sad or I just don't feel anything at all. "I just don't want my skin to be burned in the sun, that's all.", I lied. We got in the car and I checked my watch. 7:00. "Co du stiip, I ken zi wor lypags," mom said. "What?", I said, only watching the movements of her mouth to understand her. But it was not enough. She opened her scratch book and wrote, "Go to sleep. I can see your eyebags." "ohhhhhhh", I said. She recognized my tired eyes, but not my tired whole being. I closed my eyes and slept for 4 hrs and woke up. "Whaaaaaaat? This is a looooong traffic. ", I thought. "Where are we?", I asked. "We're halfway to Manila.", my mom wrote.I groaned in frustration. Typical. The Philippines is known for loooooooong traffics. I checked my watch at 11:05. We decided to have an early lunch from a near fast-food restaurant. While we were eating, she opened her mini scratchpad and starting writing. "Mom, you should just write what you need to say to me on your phone.", I said. My mom flipped the next page, wrote something and showed to me., "Nah I don't how to use those complicated thingys. Besides texting you every day would consume a lot of money on phone bills." I tried to stop myself laughing...."Geezer", I smirked. "Say that again and I'll let you pay the phone bills.", mom wrote and squinted her eyes towards me... Finally, we burst out laughing. "I guess being a geezer is not bad at all as long as I have you.", she wrote. "Moooooomm, stop those cheesy lines.", I said. We giggled, we took a sigh and there was this long sweet silence..... "You know what after your check-up we're gonna go straight to the fireworks show in Manila." she wrote and smiled. "Ehhhhh you sure? Promise haaa?", I said with enthusiasm. "Brumiz..... ", I read from her lips and that I understand clearly.

 4:00 Manila, Philippines 

Finally, we got out of the car after that long driving. I opened the car door and stretched my back as I got away in the car seat, now has a butt-shaped dent. We were just in time for the appointment. I rushed and grabbed my mom to the doctor's clinic. I'm excited to see the results of my health condition. We ran as I saw the door with the doctor' s name written in it. This is it, I thought. I took a deep breath and opened the door. Jeanette, the doctor's assistant welcomed us. "You must be Diana, the doctor's patient. Come in. He's expecting you.", she said. I took a seat after all of that running. "Ah. It's Diana. Have a seat." My mom and I sat at the comfortable chair, tired of all that running. The doctor gave me the rules in order to stay safe despite my condition and wrote it in a piece of paper for me to understand. Then, he wrote, "Dianne, would you mind giving me and your mom a minute to talk?" I nod and waited at the nurse's office. I was playing games on my phone and my mom finally showed up. Her face was disappointed and she showed me her scratchpad. She already wrote the words she needs to say before giving it to me. "Anak, I know that we are hoping for a cure, but the doctor says we can't restore your hearing to its normal state." My smile from all that relief from finally seeing her turned into a frown. Yet I continued reading, "Your hearing will be supported by hearing aids, but he says your condition is getting pretty severe. He also said that-----" "Mom, it's alright. I'm okay coping with this.", I said. "Are you sure?", she wrote. I smiled. I have to, I thought. I love my parents and I have to show them that I can stay strong and independent even in my new state. "Let's go.", mom said with her hand towards me. I took it and we were on our way back to our car. Mom drove going to the fireworks show. "We'll be just on time there.", my mom wrote, feeling confident. And there was the silence and the essence of her confidence was fading. And so there was traffic, a long one. It must have been because other people wanted to go too. But, I too, would get in there. I just have to be patient, that's all. And so I waited and waited and waited. It was night time and we still couldn't get out of traffic. Mom started to panic but tries to hide it. Geez. I could read her like an open book. And then suddenly her face became really pale and she muttered something. "What is it?", I said. "Honey, I'm sorry, but the fireworks have already started.", she frowned. Eh? I was unaware until I heard a faint boom sound. It was indeed fireworks. And all I saw was a pint of light and it was still far away. I sighed. "Let's go home.", I said as I tapped her shoulder to comfort her. She nodded and U-turned on the road towards our home. It was a long ride and we got to our house. It was 11:00 pm and we ate the leftover spaghetti from lunch. I changed my clothes and brushed my teeth. I didn't feel the slightest wooziness despite that it was late, because I knew I slept a lot in the car. I closed all the windows, turned off everything except my study lamp. Why? I thought. I have tried my best to be patient, tried being positive, tried everything I could. All that hard work and determination turned into foolishness, hiding the fact that I will never be cured, no matter how much pain I felt. In those thoughts, my heart sank. I know now that this is just too irreversible. I groaned in so much anger and frustration, took a piece of paper, grabbed the pencil furiously and wrote down these words. "It should have been me." I wrote these words a lot of times and every single word made my heart too heavy. I can't force a smile anymore. My head....... It hurts so much...... Suddenly, my eyes began to water, tears dripping on my chin. I breathed slowly to calm myself out. But it was no use. I can't control the flashes of terrible memories made by my mind. This is why I hate myself and this hate is irreversible. I lifted my eyes and saw the window. I opened it and felt the rushing wind that made me shiver. Maybe I do deserve this......... I started to put my feet on the window and stood and looked down. "So this is where I end", I said softly. I took a long breath and started to put my foot outside the window. Suddenly, the calendar beside my window started flipping out its pages. I looked at the days, weeks and months and I realized the future if I ever end my life today. My family and friends.......... I sighed and thought I should give a proper goodbye. They all have been kind to me. I got back to the floor and wiped my tears. I will end my life, but not today. I will do it one day. I closed the window and lied on my bed, thinking how could I say this to them. I sighed and slept, not knowing how this would end.