Just Me, You, And This Box of Matches

Chapter 5: Unresolved Sexual Tension

They're in the Walmart produce aisle at nine on a Thursday evening when everything goes to hell.

"Why don't you just get these ones?"

"No, good Lord. Look at the bruises."

"Do I look like I care about bruises?"

"No, you're generally not very picky about the state of phallic objects you put in your mouth."

Louis pouts and chucks a loose banana at Zayn, who catches it easily. "STDs are not a joke, Malik."

"But your love life is."

"I hate you."

"You're not very good at grocery shopping. Why don't you go do something productive instead of just bothering me the whole time?"

"Like what?

"Go grab some milk."

"Fine."

"Skim."

"Two percent," Louis calls over his shoulder as he wanders away.

He's in the refrigerated aisle, running a finger over the plastic labels and wondering what milk would piss off Zayn the most, when a bright voice from his left says, "Louis!"

Louis looks up to see Liam Payne standing in the aisle of their local Walmart, holding a blue basket with the handle draped over his elbow and beaming like he belongs there.

"What are you doing here?" is the first thing out his mouth, followed by, "are you buying diapers?"

Liam looks confused. "I come here every Thursday. It's routine."

Louis ignores the fact that Liam has a set schedule for grocery shopping (honestly, it's like he doesn't even realize that he's twenty three and not sixty) in favor of leering at the contents of his basket. "Diapers, Liam. Diapers." (This means one of two things: either Liam has a kid that he's been successfully hiding from Louis or he has severe bowel problems that he's been successfully hiding from Louis. Either way, it's probably going to end up being a problem with seducing Zayn.)

"Oh," says Liam, and looks down at the basket with a fond expression on his face. "They're not for me. I'm shopping for my neighbors as well."

"Of course you are." Louis opens a door and selects a plastic jug at random. "Of course you shop for your neighbors too. I bet you donated to the pot outside on your way in, too."

Liam looks up at him with big cow eyes (even though he's a good three inches taller than Louis, he somehow manages to look up at him. Louis likes that. Feeling short makes him feel very inclined to violence.) "It's for a good cause!"

Louis is about to shake his head and give him sage advice in the form of a list of good bars where he can get absolutely plastered for cheap when a voice from the next aisle over calls, "Louuu!"

Louis' eyes widen. Liam's practically bug out of his head.

"Is that-"

"Yes," hisses Louis. "Shit, shit." He looks wildly behind him, and then back at Liam, scanning him up and down- button-up under a sweater, pressed trousers, loafers. No, no, no. "No, shit, you're not ready. Shit!"

"Louis, where are you?"

"Be right there," calls Louis, trying to keep some of the panic out of his voice, and then under his breath- "run!"