Something Rather Than Nothing

Chapter 8 (Sparrow)

Paxton has me completely stimulated, and if we don't get out of here soon I'm going to explode. It feels like we are the only ones here, but my subconscious still knows we aren't. I'm craving her, and I'm not sure how much longer I can behave in public.

I open the passenger door for her once we reach my car. Once I sit down in the driver's seat, I hear my phone 'ding' from my center console. I unlock it to find pictures of Paxton and I dancing plastered all over the messages. At the bottom, I read the word "Threesome?". I'm internally freaking out so as not to scare Paxton, but I feel like I'm going to throw up. I feel like I've compromised Paxton's safety, and she can tell something is up.

"Is something wrong?"

My pulse becomes unsteady, making it hard for me to breathe. "I need to get you home."

Her eyes widen with worry. She places her hand over mine and says, "You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

I glance into her almond eyes that are riddled with sorrow. Anguish saturates my heart at the sight of her sadness. That's an emotion I do not want her to have. I squeeze her hand as tears well up into my eyes. I feel the sensation to throw my phone again, removing all contact from everyone. We sit in silence the entire drive back to her school because I'm not sure what to say. I couldn't tell her what had rattled me on my phone. "I should have stayed away" is stuck on repeat in my mind. We reach her dormitory and she says, "Sparrow?"

I look into her eyes again. I can tell she is hurt and confused, and I'm using every ounce of energy not to cry. "I'm sorry I ruined our night." My eyes fall to the floorboard in shame. She reaches over, touching my face and turning it in her direction again.

She looks deeply into my eyes and says, "You didn't ruin anything. I had an amazing night, truly. If you need anything, I am a phone call away." She gives me a genuine smile that makes me want nothing more than to disappear with her.

"Thank you, I appreciate that. I had an incredible night too. I'll see you later, okay?"

She nods, her smile now showing her teeth. She exits the car and walks toward the building, looking back to make sure I'm okay. Once she is out of sight, I race home before the tears start to fall.

I close the door to my apartment, now unable to support my own weight. My back slides down the door until I land on the ground. I look back at the text messages, which causes rage to boil in my veins. I scroll through my contacts to find the one person I need to speak with right now, but the call goes to voicemail.

"Hi mom." My voice is unsteady from my tears, but grows louder as the anger continues to set in. "How could you leave me? You were the only person I fucking had, and now you're gone. You left me here with him. I'm so traumatized that I can't get close to anyone, and I feel so fucking alone. Why is someone as kind-hearted as you gone and someone as sinister as him still here? It's not fair, and I don't fucking see the point anymore. Maybe I should join you up there in the sky, or wherever the hell you are right now. I can't keep living like this."

I hang up, my body quivering against the door. I lean my head back, letting the bad memories consume me and take me back to when I was ten.

***Trigger Warning***

I'm in my room, playing with a toy my mom bought me for Christmas. My mom enters to let me know she is going to the store to get groceries. She says my older cousin, Donovan, is there to watch me until I get back. Once she leaves, Donovan enters my room. He closes the door behind him, locking it behind his back. I look up at him, confused.

"Why did you lock the door?"

"So we can play without any disruptions."

"What are we going to play?"

"I have an idea, why don't we play doctor?"

"How do you play?"

"You can be the patient, and I'll be your doctor. You tell me what is hurting you, and I'll kiss it for you. So, what is hurting you?"

It feels strange that he has to kiss me, but I've played doctor with my friends before. "Uhm... my hand hurts."

I hold out my hand so he can kiss it. "Okay, what else?"

"My leg."

"What else?"

"My head."

"What else?"

"My stomach." He didn't just kiss me this time. He started licking my stomach, covering every inch in his saliva. He starts raising my shirt more to lick my chest, and I let him. Why do I let him?

The next thing I know, he's pulling down my pants and my underwear. This time, I start trying to escape. However, he's tremendously stronger than I, and I'm not able to get away. I scream for my mom, but I know she's not there. I feel his finger penetrate me, and the rest is expunged from my mind.

*****

I'm thirteen now, and my mom has noticed that my personality has changed since I was ten. I stopped playing in the yard and talking to my friends and mom. She was worried that I was depressed, so she took me to a doctor who diagnosed me with severe depression. I went from a bright-eyed little girl with a free soul to a closed off, hopeless teenager. I never told anyone, mainly because I didn't understand what fully happened. I knew what he did wasn't right, but he was still the boy I grew up with playing football in the yard. Something changed for him as well. He developed severe anger problems and would even hit his own mother. His dad had abandoned him not long before the incident when I was ten. Combined with his mental disabilities, he was a very unstable seventeen year old. My aunt needed to leave because he was becoming increasingly difficult to handle. She took a vacation alone, and he had to stay with my mom and I.

I dreaded his arrival, but he stayed in the spare room for a whole week until his mom returned. During that week, he was only left alone with me once, but that was all he needed.

At thirteen I hit puberty, and my breasts grew almost five times in size. I would catch him staring, and I had come to hate my body for being voluptuous. I remember everything that happened during that half hour we were left alone together. I remember the way he touched me, the way he pushed my head down into the bed, and the way he took me from behind.

It was painful to sit and walk for awhile, and I was paranoid of getting pregnant. His moans still haunt me today and every time I look into his eyes that are identical to mine, I'm revolted. I kept all of the anger I had towards him inside because of his condition. I felt pity for the same man who had raped me and taken away my joy. Unfortunately, he still has that power over me today. However, I used all of that anger to make sure he would never take advantage of me again.

*****

At the age of seventeen, my mom was gone, and the only person I could rely on was my aunt. My dad had abandoned me at the age of five, so my aunt helped my mom as much as she could to raise me. I moved in with her and my cousin until I turned eighteen and could find a place for myself. Again, he would try and corner me. However, this time I was prepared.

My aunt was at work, and he had just gotten home. I was on the couch doing homework. He tried to hold me down and take my clothes off, but I kicked him off of me. He was enraged that I could fight back now. I saw a darkness deep in his eyes, and I knew he had intentions of harming me. He grabbed a glass beer bottle, smashed it on the wall, and used the broken piece in his hand to stab me. I felt the glass slice through my side, making excruciating pain run up and down my entire body. He realizes what he did, and he runs out the door. I use all of the strength I have left to reach for my phone and call 911. I wake up the next day in the hospital, alone. Police officers enter to investigate the incident, but I refuse to speak. I knew he wouldn't go to jail. He would be sent to a mental hospital until he was deemed fit to join society again. During that time, he could use the rage he had against me for ratting him out to seek revenge once he was released. So, I didn't speak. This time, nothing was better than something, or so I thought.