Out

Clean

I knew from watching a lot of CSI that traces of his blood invisibly covered the entire room.

But when we walked through the door, it felt clean. Fresh. There was no outward sign of the struggle that we’d taken part in a few hours earlier.

Katherine curled up on the bed.

I was uncertain whether to climb in next to her but after a few minutes of shuffling around I did.

She shivered and I held her close.

I’d never felt so guilty, so wrong or so turned on in my life. They say that death is as close as you can ever get to sex. And I was there, gazing into the abyss.

If I were a parcour street runner I would leap effortlessly to the other side. From the black to the red.

But I’m not that fast or nimble, so I fumbled off my clothes as Katherine peeled off her own.

An empty hunger raged in me. She pulled me in close, closer. She held me with such a tight grip that I could barely move. I squeezed her as well. I cupped the back of her head in my right hand and gripped her hair.

Her mouth opened. She bit my lips. We barely moved but the tension mounted tight, tighter.

Everything was happening inside.

Our eyes met and we held one another’s gaze. Neither looked away. I felt as if my eyes melded into hers.

A shuddering release. I stayed inside of her. She lay in my arms.

We slept.

She was up before me, clothed.

‘Let’s get this done,’ she said.

‘Yes.’

I sat up.

A light rain fell. It wasn’t late. Maybe eight pm. But it felt later, darker. If it’s too late people may question a boat on the salt ponds. But I was often out at this hour, collecting samples.

Now I was leaving one.

I knew the area well. We didn’t speak. I dreaded what was to come. I had to take away the cover, expose him, weigh him down and make sure he sunk deep into the mud.

I turned off the engine when we were close and let the boat drift a while, into position. I imagined the quietness would make it less likely for someone to see us. But, the silence hit me like a gong. 

The boat was small. Katherine sat close to the green tarp. Her arms wrapped around her knees. She was wearing one of my hoodies under a windbreaker.

‘Why don’t we switch spots,’ I said to her.

She nodded.

I moved towards her and she shifted her body. She stayed low and took a position behind the wheel.

The tarp crackled in the wind as I pulled it off Thomas. I rolled it up as quickly as I could. I looked around, but there was no one to hear us.

I wore lab gloves and twisted a nylon rope around his body. I used the boat’s anchor tied across his chest and some weights that I had found at the back of the garden shed to sink him.

Katherine watched me but I wondered if she saw me.

I did the best I could do, then heaved him up, pushed him over and watched him sink.

We stayed for a long time, until the rain started falling heavily. I moved in beside Katherine and I didn’t want to start the motor but I did and we returned.

It was around ten pm when we got back.

She followed me to the cottage.

‘What do we do now?’ she asked.

‘We wait, I suppose.’ I said.

‘Why didn’t we just call the police?’ she asked.

‘It didn’t seem like the right thing to do,’ I said.

‘No,’ she said. ‘But if they find him now, they’ll never believe it was self-defence.’

‘It was.’ I said.

‘I know.’

‘I think I’ve cleaned everything,’ I said.

‘It looks that way,’ she said. ‘It looks very clean. But there are ways of knowing. Microscopic particles.’

‘But they have to look for them and why would they look for them here?’

‘I don’t know.’

I sat beside her.

‘Hold me,’ she said.

I did hold her. I caressed and then kissed her. She pushed me back and dug her nails into my chest.

‘Take me,’ she said. ‘Take me.’

I sat up, pushed her head down and tore off her clothes. I took her so hard that I thought she would break. I pounded and thrashed myself against her until my pelvis ached.

She reached back and gripped me so hard that I felt a searing pain. It was like lighting a fire at my core.

When I collapsed on top of her I bit the back of her neck.

‘Like that,’ I whispered.

‘Yes. Like that.’