Vents n' stuff.

H a w a i i a n R o l l e r c o a s t e r R i d e

Today has been mostly good, but... third period was an awful rollercoaster.

At first, I was terrified and depressed and actually cried a tiny bit because we had a music piece to practice that we present in 10 days, and I just... wasn't getting the hang of it. At all. It stressed me out so bad because I thought I would fail and I actually cried just a little bit because of the stress.

Then the teacher came along and gave me a few pointers, they were good pointers, but it was so much to remember all at once and since I was already sort of torn down from the stress and fear of failure (which is like my #1 fear since I grew up with everything coming easily to me and my parents/school putting the weight of the world on my gifted shoulders), plus also knowing I have a SHIT memory, I almost just broke down again. So I let out a couple more tears and tried to calm my breathing so I wouldn't have an attack.

Then I went back and recollected everything he told me, and I wrote on my piece everything he told me so I could play it correctly, and I immediately picked it up and learned the whole song in like... 10-15 minutes. It was great and I was really proud of myself.

By the way, this is guitar class and we're seperated by sections that are guitar 1, 2 and 3.

So, I was just happily practicing my song, and I saw the teacher was working on our ensemble piece with the guitar 1 section, and he said something along the lines of "you guys are our strongest players, so we need you to pick this up quickly" and that just... totally destroyed whatever confidence I had in that class..?? Like, get that he had kids in his beginner class last year that are now in his intermediate so he knows how well they play, and our class is mixed between intermediate and advanced so the advanced students are of course going to be stronger, but that doesn't mean it didn't make me feel like shit that I was in the bottom percentage of the players. The only bright side I really saw to it was my friend Julian was also in the third section since he was the only other person I had in my class last year and this year, and he's one of the greatest guitarists I've heard in both classes. So yeah.

Then all three sections practiced the guitar piece. I did average, which is expected since I just... am average, and I can't play well in a group. So that was okay-ish but I was just in a perma-bad mood right then. It got better once we had our break and I got to speak with a good friend and she cheered me up, but then at the end of class the teacher called me over and reminded me about my written test I took a couple weeks ago.

This makes me a mixture of depressed and angry, because I got a 0/12 on it and that destroys every expectation I set for myself, but I also know I got 100, and he used a grading system on his phone that just took a picture of he test and graded it right then, and it had trouble grading mine from the start, so it malfunctioned and gave me a 0. Just thinking back on it now it makes me so angry because I knew everything on the test but it failed me because of a stupid fucking malfunction, so I have to retake it on Thursday.

So right now I'm just really broken down, angry, and tired.

I'm also starting to notice this vent book is having the same upload schedule as my other book, which is bad because then I'll start to feel like I have to come up with a new vent in 4 days otherwise I'll break the schedule and be a failure all over again, rather than this just being a book where I post vents if I feel vent-y.

Basically, I'm a failure and my lack of knowing how I work is driving me insane and I wouldn't mind crying myself into dehydration and dying.