I remember today was what I've only yearn for. I'm a student! At last. I know, this might not be something special to you, but, it is to me. It is one of the momentous moments in my life worth celebrating in all ways I can.
Getting into college, wearing that sealed uniform, carrying a bag, hurrying off to school, arriving home with a tiny bits of my last energy, doing most of the budgeting are my ideals.
I grew up hearing promises that i'll be invested. That mama is working herself off to sustain my education, papa too. I know. I know 'cause I've seen them go home with back pains and a pitiful cash from extrenous labor. I know how hard money is earned. I've seen it myself. I've tried it myself. And it wasn't easy.
Although, I love it when they tell me it is all for me. Although, I love it when I hear that I can be important even if I never see myself as one. I do loved it. I'll love it even more yet no matter how fond I am of that feeling I'd rather not want it if it would only cause them to strain themselves. I badly needed to be loved and to be spoiled by attention and to be invested. I grew up telling myself I deserve something. But that's another lie I convinced myself as true. I am not worthy of that "much" anyone can give. Deep within me, the flame of failure is burning and I don't want anyone to that I love turns into ashes as everything to that nears me do.
I can be anything but I never wished I'd be a load of burden on their life, an additional weight. I'd rather fail alone than bring failure to the people around me.
I'm writing this to remind myself this - "Once in my lifetime. I become selfless"
