I remember my rebel church camp like it was yesterday. The friends I made and memories I have, the good feelings I got that summer. Everything was going like always , smoothly. Perfect. Then shit hit the fan. My excuse behind why I accept don't get too comfortable, why I have a hard time accepting happiness. I believe we all have that one life altering event that doesn't want to allow us to feel happiness or believe we accept it or it will last. Well lucky me, I felt them all. It's been tough past 8 years rebuilding myself. Rebuilding my roots, rebuilding my confidence in love in life. I never believed anyone saying "their innocence was taken away" but I literally can now say I felt that in my soul when my life turned complete 360 times 1000. I'll be short and sweet about the damage that was done. Only child, moved in with my father let's say around the age of 6-7. Within the same time frame he got married. Fast forward , I'm in all the extra curricular activities one could possible be in, I grew up in church, I had decent grades, I had home cooked meals, I was raised in love. I thought my life was perfect. Only thing wrong with I thought at the time was being away from my mom. I'm so thankful for the relationship we have built over the years. So perfect life right? 10 years later my father decides to have an affair. That's it, you're caught up. Get this , it fell apart when I was away. Funny shit huh. Leave all perfect give hugs kisses , I'm having good week , give my heart to Christ. Come home then boom. Excuse me ?! Wait what. I didn't agree to this, this wasn't supposed to happen in my head. I've learned and fully accept that the way we want our life or think life should go is not always Gods way or in our best interest. And I know to be true , no matter the trials God always has our best interest at heart. Where was I ? Rebuilding myself, yes. I'm proud of myself. My fathers actions are no excuse for my bad behavior, but I will not lie; they did give me some incentive to do somethings. I feel that when one does wrong or does one another wrong , betrayal or lying ; I believe it is important to ask for forgiveness. So it really made me look at life different when the one man I craved to be like and craved to get accepted by completely continues to live his life at peace while I'm living like a bull in a china closet. No one talked to me , no one apologized. No one acknowledged what the fuck happened in my life. My stepmom Ofcourse could sit up for hours with me questioning life together because she was living life with me, I could only imagine her hurt. I hurt for her. I lost so much for my father then. It's only grown and grown. It's sad growing resentment for someone you believed to hang the moon. Also , I began to resent God. That mile stone was one of many test from God yes, but it was one that had most impact. I didn't realize God was cleaning out evil. That's been the hardest lesson to accept , hardest cord to let go. The man wants to be one way let him be. He doesn't want to feel guilt, resent ,compassion for child's feelings, hurt over loss of child's love, let him. I accepted his happiness the day she was in the picture which for everyone to know was the day after a piece of me moved out. Mind blown. I've grown to realize who people are; some are called narcissistic and those can be pointed out by living first and for most for themselves and reward for oneself. I'm not hear to say not one is living right and say whose bad. Everyone has their own relationship with Christ. How we live our life's though , says a lot about who we are living for. It shouldn't be WHAT we are living for. If it is it's his love , live for the king not the world. I'm not preaching here , don't get lost. It's hard learning to accept the unexpected, hard to learn to live with someone that isn't dead but you can feel their spirit leaving. Everything he was , believed for or stood up for. Gone. His life did a 360 also before his eyes. You ever lose someone to a demon that wasn't a drug? I'm in too deep now. That's life right. Shit happens move on. Blessings in disguise, I would have never graduated where I did, had the time with my mother, lived with my aunt, had more heartbreaks with lessons, I would have never burned and built the bridges I did that lead me to my present life. I thought I was living my best life in elementary as a kid , if I only knew. My best life is my present. I'm a mother, someone's best friend before their lover then turned into my forever love. My mom is living her best life out of state in her home state, when your parents are happy in life you feel differently at peace. My step mom, not my place to speak on her past 8 years but I'm proud of her she is still in my life. That love is going nowhere. My father is happy, in my life or not I accept happiness. I accept happiness in my own heart , which took my head and heart some time. During that , I would be hard or hurting towards the one I love. He helped me see there is rainbows at the end of the tunnel. His love for me is pure. I'm happy. Took me time to scream and fight my demons to leave me alone. Thinking it'll end , waiting for him to find better while he admits he doesn't want nor have eyes for anyone else. He's been trying to explain to me he chose me. The choosing confused me. Cause I've seen people who chose each other still get divorce. We have to stop living in fear to ever fully accept all of life's little moments. Trials bring out real. My depression become real to me , my anxiety. I also realized things in me I never knew I had. I conquered DEMONS (depression, anxiety, domestic violence, self denial, addiction) and for that , Mark I say thank you.
