A Scholar's Diary

September 1, 2019

While I'm writing this, a thousand thoughts came into my flow of thinking. Unfinished papers, depts, social gatherings, exams, quizzes, and just everything a 16-year old thinks of.

Well, I still have some papers left unfinished to be passed tomorrow and I'm writing this piece of shit that I don't even know if people will read instead of that one.

But I'm writing this because I know that this is the only way I can share my thoughts, I'm too lazy to jot down manually all of these scrambled words, so I'm just gonna use my laptop and type.

Why am I publishing this? I don't know either. It's like that feeling that I want someone to relate to me as I struggle to graduate high school and pass all of my college entrance exams and scholarship exams. I want someone to sympathize, empathize, and celebrate my victory - if I'll ever have one.

Right now, I chose to stay home rather than going back to the dorm because I felt like I needed this time with my family, the comfort they give that could never be fulfilled by just my friends in school. It's also probably the house, the house where I grew in, the house that always welcomed me no matter what I'll become. You know that feeling when all of you just chill in the sofa watching Netflix and chill.

However, I know that tomorrow I'll wake up to the sound of my alarm signifying "It's Monday, time to go to prison!" and you have that feeling that you just want to cry because first of all, you still have to travel for an hour before arriving at your school and the flag ceremony starts at 7 am, so you at least have to wake up at 4 f'in am in the morning! It's not tomorrow yet, but the scenes that will take part tomorrow repeatedly plays in my head like a broken record.

You know that feeling that you just want to take the day off but you can't because one day of not attending class equals one week of catching up your missed lessons. In the end you still have no choice but to wake up 4 am in the morning, even if your normal wake-up time is 6 am.

Imagine the pain of catching up all those missed lessons and probably quizzes also, ugh the chills! 

No pain, no gain I guess is the forever concept of my life. However, after six years of being a city scholar, I realized two things:

1. Once you've become one, you'll never be free again

2. Your life will become a programmed cycle.

Imagine the struggle to pass the scholarship exam only to find out that you'll have to go through these two things. 

The expectations of others became your lions geared up for battle at your service, but the moment you failed those expectations, the lions that once hailed you up will be the same ones to devour you alive. Your expectations will become the walls that limits your freedom, and the expectation of others will become the lions behind that wall. To put it simply, your expectations was only built to protect yourself from the expectations of others not knowing your walls is just another form of a lion.

Once you've put those expectations, you'll ultimately program yourself in an endless cycle. Wake-up - dress-up - go to school - listen - go home - study - sleep. It's like you're not expecting something new to happen to your day. 

My Philosophy professor said "You're not living that way" but then proceeds to torture us with piles and piles of paper works. I know as students, we're supposed to be trained to survive the real world, but the fact that the only reason they're doing this is because we're "SCHOLARS".

So if I'll voluntarily quit being a scholar, I'm free from all of these torture? STILL A NO! 

Why?

Quit school, get judged.

Failed to maintain your grades, get judged

Expelled, get judged

Just what freedom are we getting from all of these judgments?

And it's not just these, your grades directly impacts your reputation, your reputation directly impacts your mental health.

Now I'm no expert on the field but I can confidently say that I experienced enough mental health issues to talk about this in public.

What's really the purpose of the school if it only cares about the students' IQ and not their EQ?

With the hour passing by, and my unfinished papers are calling out to me, I'll leave my day here.

- The Scholar