Beans

Kinda Girlfriend

I have a girlfriend.

Kinda.

I'll try again: I sometimes have a girlfriend.

My family doesn't mind if I have a girlfriend.

Hers does, though. She kinda does, too.

Kinda. <3

I have a girlfriend, kinda. We're love-sick, star-struck

one moment,

then she pulls away from me the next.

This is the pattern of our relationship.

Oh, I'm fine with it.

Kinda.

We were Just Friends for a good time.

I'd gotten used to platonic texting.

Then:

One phrase fills me with Hope and Hope's counterpart.

Yes! my heart cheers. Let's make plans to meet!

Let's be in each other's presence again,

in love again;

let's forget those few phrases that say were sinning.

Hope is winning.

Dread is beginning

to feel more like a chore

to put off until tomorrow.

It can wait to tell me what I know will happen.

Hope is winning.

Kinda.

The movie sucked

which is absolutely perfect.

The theater was empty,

that's how much it sucked,

it was absolutely perfect.

She hugged my arm

and put her head on my shoulder

and everything was absolutely perfect.

We waited in the bathroom for my dad to pick us up.

We chatted about her first day of high school.

She told me her first-day horror stories

and gave me my first kiss.

Drugs couldn't take me any higher than I was that night.

Then she told me I couldn't tell anyone.

She had been hurt by too many people before,

people she thought she could trust.

She had done so much self-work to gain self-love,

and then I waltzed in

and gave her questioning sexuality

that screwed with all the work she did.

Then she told me she had to cut me out,

said I was amazing, but she needed time.

I was okay.

Kinda.

I was angry.

No, furious.

How could she do this?

I don't want her back anymore.

Kinda.

She started texting me again.

She's auditioning for Hamlet.

She pronounces ads "commARcials."

She used loved in a sentence.

Despair is a chore.

Anger is sore.

I do adore

my Kinda Girlfriend.

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Occurrence: Fall 2019