The hardest times are now

Chapter 1:

I cut my hair, it used to be all the way to my hips, now it's above my shoulders. I feel naked, and exposed. I have a boyfriend but i don't know how I feel anymore, I do love him, but what's wrong with me I can't feel anything. I'm mute, well my heart is, you don't understand and I know it, not a lot of people do. I told my boyfriend I needed some space

"so you wanna break up?" He said

I replied with "no I just need some time to figure things out." 

" so you're saying you're single" he stated.

He didn't understand me and we broke up.

My best friend at the time was also going through a rough time, her and her boyfriend broke up. I know it's not healthy to care more about others then yourself, but I still did. Maybe that's one of the reasons I am where I'm at today. Then after a few weeks I told my mom how I felt.

"mom I think I'm depressed,"

"well why don't you do anything about it?" She asked.

"I've tried, I just can't" I replied starting to cry.

"Well try harder it doesn't look like you're" she didn't understand ether.

It was the summer of my sophomore year that things started going downhill, my best friend Amelia told me that she trusted her toxic ex more then me, her friend for 3 years.

"You don't do things a friend would do" she argued.

"You're negative and judgmental"

I didn't know looking out for her well being was judgmental.

"People always told me I  You should've ditched you"

That one hurt, so you do what people say now? I became her friend because she was different and so was I, but she started acting like everyone else, trying to fit in, and honestly i didn't mess with it. I was torn apart, I can't understand that someone I felt so close to had those feeling about me. Did she feel that way all along? Why didn't she tell me sooner? Did she tell all my secrets?