Heart of Glass [manxman]

Chapter Twenty-Four

The candles flickered to life. I knelt before the candles, bowing my head and facing toward the window with my back to the door.

"I'm sorry I'm late," I said, staring at the floor as I watched the quivering shadows as the flames flickered from the autumn air seeping in. "I don't know if Louis told you, but there was an accident... or not really, but there was a hiccup in my planning. The Aquireign came back, and Louis and I had to stop them again. I didn't like doing it without all of you there."

The blinds shook, banging against the window as the breeze whipped through. I glanced up, noticing several dark figures huddling between the candles and the window.

I smiled. "I'm sorry I couldn't get more candles," I said. "Probably hospital policy, but if I'm still around, I'll get you more next year." I bit my lower lip. "Usually I don't have such a hard time talking to you guys, but this year, I have no idea what to say. So much has happened... The Aquireign came back. Rainier, the former Covenant director, he was behind all of it, at least that's what I'm thinking. He's always had a weird obsession with demonic power, so I guess it's not surprising that he went to the Aquireign to try jumpstarting a demonic revolution." I sighed, pushing my hair back out of my face. "And then, the coworker that's become the bane of my existence turned out to be 1274. I've always been such a dick to the guy, but he swears up and down that he wants to love me again. It's not really fair to him though, is it? I'm still an asshole. I tried to abandon him by killing myself... I'm a shitty person, and I don't deserve him.

"I say it every year, and I swear to the gods, I always mean it, but this year more than ever, I wish it would've been me instead of any of you. You'd know what to do right now; none of you would've abandoned him. You would've made so much more of your lives and done so much more good than I've managed to do." I looked back up at the figures, not being able to recognize any of them—they were mere silhouettes—but I liked to pretend.

"I wish I was better and that I wasn't so selfish, but even now, I don't know how to feel about the fact that I'm not dead and that Louis can't move on and be happy. I want to make him happy. I wish I could be the person that makes him happy, but there's this voice in the back of my head, this sinking, awful feeling that I shouldn't be here... I wish you could say something." I sat back on my heels, slowly scanning over each of them, pretending they had expressions and that they could help me instead of hovering there, listening but unable to interact.

"I wish I would've done more to protect all of you, to save you. Louis says I'm not responsible for your deaths, but you know he has an issue with being overly kind. There was more I could've done, but I didn't do it, and I'm still so, so sorry. If there was any possible way, I'd trade places with any of you, with all of you."

Behind me, I heard the door creak. A new shadow appeared on the wall, making me turn to find Louis hesitating in the doorway, frown on his face. His hair was product-free, and he hadn't shaved in days. He wore a gray sweater and a pair of jeans, my dog tags hanging around his neck.

I glanced back at the silhouettes, finding that they were still. It almost seemed as though they were staring at Louis, completely overlooking me. Well, after everything I'd done, it made sense they'd prefer him.

"Am I interrupting?"

"Uh, a little, but..." I shrugged.

Louis nodded. "Want me to help you close?"

As impossible as it was, I felt like they were nodding at me, urging me to agree. "Sure," I said. "If you want, you don't have to."

"I know. I want to." Louis shut the door and crossed the room, kneeling next to me. "Hello, everyone," he said, addressing the spirits, bowing his head. "I know we spoke the other day, but I'm still happy to see you again so soon." Louis leaned over, taking my hand from my lap and linking his fingers through mine. "Thank you all again, for everything."