Haven • H.S.

32. Au Revoir

I was only allowed the heart-wrenching sight of shaking shoulders, and a visual of what her features looked like before them.

The large, more overbearing part of me was celebrating finally lifting the weight of letting Ella know I loved her. The smaller, more realistic part told me that deep down, I'd have to try harder than spewing a few words that held an empty promise to her. It didn't matter that they meant everything to me; that they meant more than anyone could fathom. I needed her to know that. I needed her to know that no matter our problems, or despite saying things and doing things that could leave scars, I was in this for the long haul.

I knew the truth behind why I'd hurt Ella. I wasn't proud of my resentment towards Niall, but I'd pushed away the pain of being so unaware of my friendship with him until it boiled over. To the worst possible candidate. There'd been no more room to hold the feelings in and I'd taken it all out on the one person I was supposed to protect. The one person I was supposed to care about most.

People didn't say shit like that to the ones they love. They said things like that to their enemies; their rivals.

I deserved nothing for my poor actions in the past and yet, as a gift, I'd gotten Ella for some inconceivable reason. And I'd picked at the most sensitive part of her. Her dad. Her parents. I was still in the dark on how they'd been stripped from her life, but I knew enough to know they were stripped. And that should've been enough to back away from the subject rather than throwing it up in her face out of spite. How was I supposed to face her now? How was I supposed to explain myself?

If I wasn't careful, I was going to lose her forever. And I'd never forgive myself.

They were friends. They were friends. They were friends. God, even if Niall wasn't my friend anymore, at least he was hers. And wasn't that what was supposed to matter? For her to be happy? That'd become my main goal, my main promise, since the day I'd met her, and yet, I hadn't come through.

Everything happened so fast when it came to Ella and I. Our friendship was nearly claimed the minute we'd met, even if I was drunk out of my mind and it was two in the morning, she'd still been special. And then our relationship followed so soon after. Was that where we faulted? Was the indecency to hold in my emotions stemming from the fact that I still felt we were on weak stilts? But, dammit, she'd flipped me upside down with one look, so what else was I supposed to do besides making her mine as soon as possible? I was taken far before I'd even asked her to be my girlfriend.

I admitted my love and it hadn't been enough to remedy my stupidity. Now I suffered the consequences.

Unlike the last time I'd crawled myself into a hole like this, Kane didn't come to rescue me from punching something or scurrying into my dorm. No. This time, I let the highly anticipated punch push itself through the wall next to my door. I'd pay for that later, literally and financially, put I couldn't bring myself to care yet. Blowing out a long breath, I made myself as comfortable as the carpet in this fucking dormitory would allow, and sat beside Ella's door, staring at the gaping hole in drywall across from me and down at my bleeding knuckles.

If she decided to leave, she'd have to go through me first.

I love you, Ella.

________

Ella.

It was an hour later when my phone rang. I'd begun to convince myself that it would never happen so relentlessly that I'd truly believed it'd stay silent, in its appointed closed space, forever. I wish I could say I didn't jump at the sound and I wish I could say I didn't jump toward the sound, but that'd be a lie. Opening my draw with practiced control, I peeked at the caller ID.