Loud Like Love

Chapter Seven: Post Blue

Once he was in the shower, after a bad case of the shits and brushing his teeth for about five minutes to combat the dragon breath he'd woken up with, he started to remember the previous night. He'd taken MDMA with Brian. He'd had a few cocktails, and danced a lot, and had craved so much human contact. It had felt nice, like he was floating, and every sensation was enhanced.

He washed the cum from last night off his belly and stood under the water spray for a good while, feeling the hot water pour down his back. His arse felt sore.

Then, it came to him. Dave, at the club. Snogging some guy. He hadn't really caught a good look at him, but he'd been tall, nearly as tall as Dave. Time had stopped. And he had needed to get close to him, to kiss him, and had acted on it.

Suddenly, he was trembling and hyperventilating, and then he was sobbing, dropping to his knees in the tub, unable to catch his breath.

'Fuck . . . Fuck, shit, fuck!' What had he done? He'd kissed Dave. Kissed him, while he was on a date with someone else. 'Fuck!'

There came a knock on the bathroom door. 'Nick? You okay?' The door lacked a functioning lock, and when Nick didn't manage to answer, Brian opened the door to find him hugging himself and rocking back and forth in the bottom of the grimy tub. Brian stepped inside and closed the door, turning the shower off and grabbing a towel off a rack. He helped Nick out of the tub and wrapped the towel around him.

'Hey, it's okay. A bit of anxiety is normal the next day, especially if you're not used to it.'

'Brian . . .' Nick sobbed. It was hard to get any words out at all. 'Dave, he . . . I . . . didn't I? Oh, fuck!'

Brian pulled him close and kissed his forehead. 'Yeah. I'm sorry. Should have gotten to you sooner, but you literally just disappeared.'

'Oh God!' Nick gasped for air. His legs were shaking so badly, he was standing only by virtue of Brian holding him up, and he clutched at him, holding on for dear life.

'Here, let's get you back to bed, okay?' Brian helped him back into the bedroom and into the bed, which still smelled of sweat and sex, but at least it was soft and he didn't have to rely on his limbs. 'Will you be okay while I clean myself up real quick?' Brian asked, and Nick nodded, feeling exhausted.

He closed his eyes, heard the shower running, focused on the sound of it. All tools that his psychologist Evan had provided him with, to help with his anxiety. He had stopped seeing Evan last spring. Perhaps that had been premature.

When Brian returned, he had a large glass of water with him, and he made Nick drink all of it before he lay down next to him on the bed, stroking his hair. 'There you go. Good boy, just relax.'

Nick shivered and closed his eyes. 'How come you're not like this?' he mumbled.

'Oh, I'm anxious as fuck on the inside.' Brian placed a kiss on Nick's cheek. His chin and upper lip were a bit stubbly. He hadn't shaved yet today, it seemed. Nick himself could barely grow any facial hair at all. 'But I'm more used to it than you are, and my body is, too. First time rolling can be pretty intense. I should have warned you about the hangover. I'm sorry.'

'I can't believe I kissed Dave. What was he even doing there? I feel like such a fucking idiot.'

'Hey, you were high. We all do stupid things sometimes when we're high.' Brian paused, this time pressing a light kiss to Nick's lips. 'Did you have fun, though? Did it feel good?'

Nick considered for a moment. It hadfelt good. He'd quite like to feel that way again, though he couldn't quite decide whether it was worth the hangover, or the clear lack of good judgment. 'It felt amazing,' he said at last. 'I felt . . . free.'