His Nerd

Chapter Forty-Five

As my eyes connected with his, I left my face emotionless, a trick I've learned all too well from him, as I couldn't forgive myself if I let him see me bare once more

"Ange-" his deep raspy voice called before I rose my hand up stopping him

"May I speak with you outside?" I asked keeping my voice void off any emotion

He knit his eyebrows in confusion before reluctantly nodding his head and shutting the door behind him before walking further away from his house 

We stopped at the middle of his lawn where he turned to me with his hands in his pockets staring at me yet not daring to say a word

I closed my eyes as I took a deep breath in preparing myself for what I was about to say

"I love you" I started staring at him in the eyes so he could see my raw vulnerability 

His eyes softened at my words as his body seemed to have relaxed as I noticed his shoulders losing tension

Before he could reach out to me, I stepped back, watching him once again crease his eyebrows  in confusion

"But you've taught me that was a mistake" I finished watching his expressions morph from confusion to shock to pain 

"I've let you treat me wrong and for that, I will never forgive myself," I said in audible whisper directing that statement more to myself than to him, "I remember watching princess movies as a child and dreaming of the day I met my prince charming" I reminisced staring into the distance as I felt his eyes on me the entire time, "The thing was, while I grew older, I realized I have never been too keen on the idea of perfection. I knew perfection was an illusion formed by irrealism. That being said, my prince charming didn't have a castle. He didn't come from a wealthy background and he was far from ideal. He, however, did respect me. He did love me and would constantly prove his love in action because we all know words drift in thin air while actions stay and allow one to remember. He made me happy and while we might have argued, we never took it too far to the point of wanting to inflict pain to another". Through my whole speech, I hadn't spared him a glance, yet I knew he was listening and absorbing everything I was telling him

"And I promised myself to find a love that was pure. Not perfect but pure" I continued finally looking back at him to see his entire body go tense as he let go of his shield and showed me the fear behind his eyes

"Instead, I fell for you," I said releasing a breath, "I fell for the man that masks his emotions. I fell for the man with a temperamental issue. I fell for the man that is the reason for my tears and sleepless nights. I fell for the man that refuses to fully let me in. I fell for the man who doesn't care to hurt me if it means he can release his anger even if its for two seconds. I fell for the man that doesn't respect me" I said in one long breath eyeing him as my words slowly registered in his brain

"Baby, plea--" he pleaded, taking a step closer to me only for me to once again take a step back

"No," I said firmly looking at him with determination 

His eyes suddenly widened as he saw the determination in my eyes

And that's the moment I knew he understood that this wasn't like our other arguments

I was finally putting my foot down 

I was redeeming myself for myself

"We aren't made for one another. We are toxic. We can not keep doing this. I can not keep doing this, I-"

"Baby, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please don't give up on me. Please" he begged in urgency as his eyes for once mirrored all his emotions, " I need you. We aren't wrong for another. I promise I'll change. I love you Angela and it fucking fucks my head up because I've never felt like this before and I know I fucked up and I know I don't deserve you but please let me prove to you. Please don't give up on me" he pleaded as his voice came out pained while his eyes searched mine desperately  

"It's too late" I whispered, "I've already given up"

I never could have anticipated the pain I felt as I watched Blake take a step back as if I've just stabbed him with a knife straight through the heart

From the look of his eyes, I wish I could take it back

All I wanted to do was apologize and hold him as I saw his eyes become glossy as they stared at me in agony and pain

Never in my life have I seen Blake cry

If you would've asked me yesterday, I would say Blake was incapable of shedding a tear so the fact that I was the reason behind his glazed eyes felt worse than I could have ever imagined

But I had to do this for both of our sakes

As hard as this is, I know it's what has to be done

While we may suffer now, our hearts will thank us later

Even as his lips trembled slightly and his shoulders heaved with emotion, he continued maintaining eye contact

His dark lashes brimmed heavy with tears as his hands clenched into shaking fists

A lone tear streamed from his deep grey eyes before tracing down his cheek, and just like that, my own body betrayed me as beads of water began falling down one after another

Without my better judgment, I shakily walked over to him and hugged him 

Immediately, he wrapped his arms around me holding me tight pressing my body onto his

His arms only tightened around me pulling me closer to him almost in fear I'd disappear

I squeezed him back not wanting the moment to end but knew it had to

Taking a shaky breath, I released my hold onto him but he only tightened his hold in response

"Blake, let go" I whispered 

A few seconds passed and all I got in response was silence as he rested his chin on my head 

"I promised I wouldn't- please don't make me" he whispered