Random Stuff - Part II

Rant: Confidence

I think it's really sad that, in life as I know it, we can't do what we feel like doing simply because we feel like doing it. We are silently pressured to consider others in the decisions we make in our own lives. If not that, then we are pressured to believe our decisions are not worth taking no matter how worthwhile it may feel to us in the moment. I am scared to do what I love to do and what gives meaning to my life because I'm scared of disappointing myself and the people around me. I fear myself and I don't believe in myself to know the right thing to do most of the time, even though I have fleeting moments where I do believe in myself. I end up sort of regretting my choices to do what I love. I don't know why. They haven't done me wrong – in fact, they have saved me so many times in life. Writing, reading, drawing, music – they have all saved me in times of weakness and self-doubt. However, they are extremely short-lived remedies to a constant illness I suffer from. I'm not sure what that illness is, but it's there, and it holds me back.

It is often when I listen to what others say that I lose my control over my life and start beating myself up over little things. I become weak-willed and conflicted whenever I start to take the advice of others... Blindly. But because of my lack of self-confidence, I struggle to tune out their opinions of how I live my life. I struggle to find certainty in what I do.

Self-doubt is one of my biggest enemies and it drowns me. I feel like I'm suffocating from its grip on my life and my mind. I struggle to find it in me to do anything because of this lack of self-confidence. Whether it's art or anything else. It poisons me even when doing things I love and am passionate about.

Something that often reassures me to do the things I love to do is the thought of death and the fact that, one day, I'll be gone. There won't be a 'me' at all to give the world the things only I can give. It's, ironically, a comforting thought and I find solace in this truth. It helps me live the day and face the struggles I have to face... And to love without expecting anything in return. We are all going to be gone sometime, and we don't know when, so the best thing we can do is live the best life we can. To make the healthier, more positive decisions with the understanding that it's our only chance to do so. And it could end up being the last every time, even if it turns out that it isn't.

A/N: Thanks @SirNooton for being such a dedicated reader and a cool fren :')