Late Night Thoughts

123

My ex started talking to me again after four years of us not having any means of communication. We separated, not exactly amicably, but we just both knew then that maybe the time wasn't just ours.

And, you know, it's funny — you think you've had this long-list of assholes in your past and you start to question your self-worth. How true you were, how much you wore your heart on your sleeve, only to end up back to where you started. Bruised and just another less-covered version of who you used to be.

And then he came back — like a reminder I so timely needed. To assure me that I'm doing okay. To say that for years in and out our relationship, he should've done so much more to make us last. To say that he was sorry and had wanted to make up for the things he did or didn't do but felt like it was too late to even fix it. That I am deserving of something so special. Only if he'd seen that clearer before, sooner. To say, after years of not telling me, that one night, after a dream, he woke up and suddenly realized I am actually the one and he just let me go.

He said maybe we'd still be together to this day. Maybe he's not sleeping on the same bed with the mother of his daughter now. He's pretty happy, he said. And I'm happy for him too, honestly. It's incredible how one little decision could mean so much. Like a butterfly effect. Had we chosen different paths, we wouldn't be where we are today.

It wasn't a conversation that meant to raise an argument with the other or an encouragement of some sort of infidelity. It was both a proper closure and a reminder...

...like you think you're not worth it, you're not that special, that you're not worth loving and that you're probably going to end up alone. But somewhere, at some other side of a bed, someone's thinking that you were the best they ever had. Carrying a regret, the chances that they didn't take; a little hurt that one day, you're going to end up with someone you rightfully deserve and it's not going to be them.

I am currently single. And I'm taking this opportunity to grow — from the pain, from my depression, from my insecurities and anxieties, the doubts and the occasional longings for fear that I'd probably end up alone. I'm working on it. This is the time to celebrate and love myself, knowing that first and foremost, I must climb that pinnacle of realization that I need to embrace who I am first and that I don't need someone beside me just to reassure myself that I am worth the attention.

I must love myself first, so much that it radiates a glow to everyone that surrounds me, and in return, the man that I've been searching for so long will be led right back to me.