Random Stuff - Part II

Rant: Fears

I imagine so many terrifying things and I make myself feel guilty for being okay; for having a fully-functioning body, getting a perfectly copied set of chromosomes with no defective genes, having a family that works hard and loves me enough to keep me clothed, well-fed, clean and educated. There are so many experiences I have had, people I have met and places I have seen all because, sadly, I could afford it. My parents could afford to change schools like 6 times, they could afford to send me on school-trips, they could afford to get me new sports kits, uniforms, shoes, gear. I can't imagine a life without these opportunities because I was so blessed. And here I am, struggling to work hard in school because of my rampant thoughts and overflowing ideologies of life and the world around me. I am so grateful, I am, but it is because of how much I value this life and the opportunities I have yet to come, that I fear to waste it on something that I may not value. And I am currently struggling to value myself, so how am I to know how to use my time carefully when my time itself seems of little worth at times?

But when I suddenly find it in me to finally work on these things I so wish to work on in life, I start to doubt myself and hate myself. I start to doubt my intelligence, or my ability to even get something done. I start convincing myself of failure before I have even tried to succeed. And this comes from my secret need for perfection. I try my best to fool myself and everyone else that failure is not something I fear and that I am proud of it, but deep down, the truth of how I scrutinise my capabilities surfaces every time I try to do anything that intimidates me.

Still, how long will I spend my precious moments alive fearing my own mind and waiting for something outside of myself to miraculously save me from myself? How long will I sit around staring into space or the sky, wondering about what would happen if I got up and did something with this wonderful mind of mine? Because, the truth is, I know I am not stupid – or more accurately, I am capable of making something wonderful out of this existence. I am capable of making change in things people think can never be changed and I am capable of doing a lot of things that most of us often think are impossible. I am not as foolish as I take myself to be or others even take me to be. I am a genius in how I criticise my own thinking, force myself out of self-depreciation and urge myself to grow as a human being. It is truly a beautiful thing. And I don't want to live the rest of my life fearing things, whatever or whoever it may be. It is a waste to do that to this mind which I have been blessed with.

I also sometimes wonder, if I were someone who was as unfortunate as the people I imagine or think about, what would I want for myself?

Well, I would want myself to fight for my existence and my worth the same way I am doing now, as the person I am, sitting at this laptop typing away my thoughts and trying to make sense of the utter mess in my head. I would want myself to have hope, to believe in change and growth, and to see the world as more than just a place of suffering and ultimately, death. I would want myself to try my hardest to be grateful for what little I have and to treat these little things like giant gifts of existence – signs that I should keep fighting to grow and improve this existence.

I guess it is, in a way, healthy to think of the suffering of others we do not know of or have met. But I think one of the enemies of realistic perspective is media. Media presents things as more terrifying and more hopeless than they are in reality. They present certain people as weaker than they really are and others as stronger than they really are. They exaggerate the horrors of life as if there is nothing else to this world – just horror, suffering, cruel people and death. It is so unhealthy to watch the news, but a lot of people say it is needed and it keeps us safe. But does it really? I don't know – all I can imagine needing to watch the news for is to be aware of floods or possible earthquakes.

Speaking of natural disasters, those are another thing that terrifies me. I often imagine how it feels for those people who get caught in floods, tsunamis, avalanches, earthquakes and volcanic explosions. What does it feel like for those people who get trapped in the carnage, nearly or completely unable to breathe and in the darkness, bruised, maybe bleeding, maybe critically injured and in need of immediate medical treatment, gasping and grasping with their dirt-coated, bruised hands only to feel the rubble of man-made structures pressing down on their body? How do they keep hope alive in such a moment, such a place? How does it feel to have their mind go mad amidst the stress of the situation? Waiting in the darkness, sometimes for hours on end, maybe even days, wondering if they're already dead and they just don't know it, but the blinding pain telling them they're probably not?