BEFORE THE STARS, I Knew Jackson Maine

Jackson Maine Forever

I can still remember every moment I spent with Jackson Maine. Going back as far as I can recall as kids, and especially the summer I turned eighteen. I can't think about it without a guilty smile spreading across my face.

Don't take that to mean that I don't love the man I ended up marrying and the family we have together. There isn't a hot day in the south that you won't find us at the lake or taking a dip off the dock. We're living life to the fullest.

But there are those moments, usually when I'm out here alone, my feet dangling over the side of the dock, that I let myself feel. The girl I was, left with Jackson that summer and she'd never be back. It's not the passion or the lust that takes your innocence, it's the heartbreak. The abandonment. Once you know pain that bad, you can't run carefree anymore. You can't jump into anything with both feet. Your heart and soul will always flinch at desire, promise, and dreams.

I don't know anyone who hasn't suffered. We've all lost that little girl at some point. Whether your dad left or mom chose a new boyfriend over you, some boy in high school or college used you, a husband cheated. I don't think it matters, really. However the wide-eyed little girl inside you or me was taken, we're all just trying to figure life out from there forward.

That's why I wouldn't change a thing. If I had to lose her, I'd lose her to Jackson Maine a million times over.

I always knew he had a darkness in him beyond what I could comprehend. He was never allowed to run free in childhood innocence. He found his on stage. But I think after that summer, the light of our love stuck with him. I know it did.

I put a blanket on the ground, right where his truck was parked that last night. As I lay, I can feel him. It's not a memory either, I can really feel him like traveling back in time. And I know somewhere, right now, he's feeling me too. In this moment, he is mine and I am his.

I can't say neither of us ever loved again. It's not that kind of story. But the girl I was, the one who gave herself to him that summer, she never loved again. She's there in his lyrics, she's in his eyes when he looks out into the crowds. She's right here at the dock where he left her.

The End