I TRIED

PART 2. CHANGE

I run to the toilet and start throwing up, I think I stayed there for more than ten minutes. After that I have a splitting headache, I go back to my room and pack all the garbage into the trash, it's pretty bright outside tho and hot-ish. I take some drugs and gulp it down with some water, I just knew I'll need those.

Anyways I have a thorough shower and and brush the hell out of my mouth, I don't want it smelling like alcohol,on a Tuesday. I wear my black ripped skinny jeans with an long sleeve crop top hoodie and a pair of vans, I let my hair fall on my face as usual, use my newly bought black lipstick, put on my normal make up and walk down stairs.

I put on my phone to put some songs when I check the time, it's actually past 12 noon. It's weird my mum would have woken me up or something. I get downstairs, as I meet her talking to someone with a military school flier on the table. I walk past her expecting some kind of, oh your breakfast is on the table like she normally does, then I will just pass her and go to the fridge and get some snacks.

I'm trying to understand this new mom, I just collect the snacks from the fridge and get out of the house. Come to think of it, normally when I am puking my mum usually runs upstairs and makes sure I'm alright, I guess she wasn't really joking about her not caring.

I shake of the thoughts with some Yung gravy tracks. TBH music is one of the things that has kept me going, I don't think there is anything I can do without music. I enter school and it's lunch time. Well I just take my sit with my friends. They all look at me and go on, eating, well now my friends have given up on me to, I think they are already used to it.

"C'mon guys, why are you doing like you didn't see Vivian" Stacy shouts, at the other guys. Like I said Stacy has always been there for me. Even when my dad died, when I became like this, she has always been there, I guess she is a friend I never want to loose. She is black to, just that her mum is American, white to be specific and her dad is a rich black American basketball player.

She has lovely brown mixed hair , you know like the girl in everything,everything in fact she she is like the girl in everything,everything just with lesser Boobs and maybe not as fine, but she is still very pretty tho.

"Look , I would have loved to say something , but there is nothing to talk about, we never go out, because you are always drunk, we used to be fun,  you know , very lively, go to parties together, we always had our backs,

But ever since you know you changed nothing has been the same , sometimes you don't even come to school, I'm actually getting tired" that's pearl with her perfect body, life and dark hair talking, pouring out her feelings like she  usually does. Is it that she doesn't understand., I'm trying to find myself.

"Look , Iv been trying to find myself,...... I guess I can't help the drinks, sex, everything is still trying to sink in...I. ..."

I got cut short by Roxanne," find yourself, (chuckles ) you call all this your madness finding your self, you must actually be crazy, like it's been years since you have been trying to find yourself , we have given you time , incase you haven't realized this is our last year in senior high , next year is college, you better allow things to sink in fast if not ,

I guess we will have to leave  you"

Coming from someone who barely talks, she has really said a lot, I feel so much range boiling up, I don't know if it's to myself or to my friends, I just feel like running out of school and go to a club and drink my life out. But I don't know what is making me still sit the tuck down.

"Look guys, Iv been busy okay"

"Yh busy getting drunk on your own till past one" pearl says as she rolls her eyes. Wait how does she know I was drunk on my own, did anyone video it or what. I was so confused looking at Stacy for some kind of explanation.

"You guys should stop it please, she is already going through a lot, just give her some time, and pearl shut up" she says trying to defend me.

"Stacy you are always defending her, telling us to act like everything is okay when it is Cleary not, saying the same bullshit over and over again, look Vivian we love you ,but we were meant to tell you this yesterday, maybe if we had, you won't have drank last night"

"How do you know this " I look at Stacy as she shakes her head and bends down.

"Next time you won't leave your window and curtains open when you get drunk alone" pearl says as she brings out a phone and shows me a video of myself last night. "It was sent to everyone in school, nobody knows who videod it, but it's pretty viral"

Everything starts to go slowly as I stand up and rush out of the door, I quickly run out of school, I hear Stacy call me shouting , telling me to hold up.  She finally catches up with me, everything is now hitting me hard as I drop to my knees and start to cry. Stacy comes to me and tells me to calm down. She is such a good friend you know.*sigh*

"You know what they said is not true right, you guys aren't gonna leave me right " I say as I look at her.

She looks down and spills out utter bullshit " Iv been with you since, I know you are going through pains, but the way you are acting is causing a lot of problems for me and our friends, we can't keep on covering for you, maybe it's time for you to change"

I slowly stand up letting loose of her grip of me, I couldn't belive what was coming out of her mouth, I just left her there and ran home, I guess I'm not drinking this time.
I get to my room throw a tantrum, scatter my room and I hear a glass shatter, I slowly walk towards it , and I see it is a picture of me and my dad, I kneel down , hold the picture towards my chest.

Asking myself different questions, why is it me?,why did you go?huh I cry harder," my life is  a mess because of you dad"
I find myself talking to the picture. I sit down looking at the picture and I think to myself maybe it's about time I CHANGE.