Life of a Mean Girl ✓

28 | if i die young

I know she's made some very horrible mistakes. But looking at her now, to see that scared look reflected at me, I can only feel sympathy. "The breast cancer's terminal now, it can't be cured. But there are two more things I wanted to tell you." Mavis's hand clasps mine to provide emotional support and I'm so thankful for the fact that I brought someone. "I was also diagnosed with depression, which explains at least half of the things I've done."

I can't believe it. Not only had I inherited my depression from my mother, but I had also followed the same path of destruction as her and it lead her here; alone and dying, hated by everyone she once loved. Was this my future? God, I hoped not. I had to change. I didn't want to end up like her. Wait, she said two more things. What's the other?

"Don't tell me," I whisper. She gives me a pitiful look and tears start streaming down her face.

"I'm so sorry, the doctors warned when I was pregnant with you but I wanted you so much that I didn't care. I hoped so much that you wouldn't have it but there's a high chance that you'll develop it later on because of the genetic mutation you were born with."

Mavis glances at me, utterly confused. "What will she develop?"

"Hereditary Ovarian Cancer."

I can feel the walls closing in around me, it's getting harder to breathe. I close my eyes and focus on the happy memories, try to even my breathing. Maybe it's just a nightmare and I'll wake up in my apartment surrounded by the people I love. I know what you're thinking, I should be happy. I wanted to die, right? Sure, I wanted to but that's just it, I wanted to because I couldn't find a reason to but now that I'm giving life a chance this shit happens.

Maybe I'm meant to die. Maybe after all the things I've done, this is the universe taking its revenge. It's reminding me that my actions did indeed have consequences and now I have to bear it.

"I'm so sorry," my mother repeats. I lift my head to see her bawling and repeating how sorry she is.

I take a deep breath, clearing my mind before replying, "I forgive you."

Her mood instantly changes from gloomy to cheerful. "I knew you would forgive me, after all, I'm your mother, how could-"

"It's not for you." That shuts her up. "It's for me. I'm tired of holding this grudge, it's making me ugly from the inside. I hate myself because of what it's doing to me. Also, how can I expect people to forgive me when I can't do the same? And that is why mother," I get up from the seat and Mavis follows. "I forgive you for abusing me, I forgive you for blaming me for Jackson's death, I forgive you for treating me like shit, I forgive you for giving me this cancer even though it's not your fault but most of all I forgive you for not being there for me, for not being the mother I wanted, I needed."

My voice has raised a few octaves and I'm trying my hardest to keep the tears at bay but I don't care, I just need to get it all out. Who knows when I'll get another chance. "I was your daughter, why wasn't that enough for you? Why wasn't I enough for you?" Heaving a sigh, I let my anger pass before continuing. "I may not be the best person but in the future, if I ever have a child, I'll try to be the best mother and you know how I'm going to achieve that?" My mother stares at me, silence lingers in the room. I don't care that the guards are getting a show at this point, this was a long time coming. "I'm going to avoid doing everything you did to me."

I walk to the exit with Mavis trailing after me. I forgot she was here. I pause for a second, the only sound echoing in the room are my mother's sobs. "Goodbye mother, I hope you live a good life or at least what's left of it."

***

(16th April, 2019)

"Are you sure you don't want to tell anyone?" Mavis asks me for the thousandth time. We're currently sitting, waiting for the doctor to come back with the results. I'm just double-checking to make sure my mother said was true and although I don't want to believe it, some part of me knows it's true.