1000 Paper Cuts \\ KELLIC

6

Sometimes I felt so stupid when I thought about what I did. I wanted to erase everything that's happened over the past couple of weeks and just start over, but I couldn't. Everything was still just there. The memories. The thoughts. The feelings. I couldn't shake it. When I thought the crying stopped, I would search my memory bank for more things to make me cry, and they all led back to Matty.

I would remember how happy he made me feel and all of the good times we had with each other. I would think about all of the conversations we had together where he told me how much he cared about me and loved me. I would think back to when we were planning our future and how excited I was for it, but then I would think about how it was all a lie. I felt duped. Cheated. Fooled. You name it, I felt it. I knew that if all of these emotions weren't flooding my system then I would probably see how ridiculous it was to feel this way about the destruction of a relationship, but in this very moment, laying by myself in my cold room, alone, with tears running down my cheeks, I just couldn't see anything logically. Logic didn't matter. "It's not that bad" didn't matter.

People I know, whether it be my parents, or doctors, would always give me words of endearment, encouragement. They tell me they love me. They tell me not to be sad. They tell me how I didn't deserve to feel this way, but I found no comfort out of those words. I shut them out because it's like the opinion of all of these people instantly got knocked back because of how sad I was. I couldn't bring myself to take on board anything that they said. The bad thoughts always, without a doubt, wouldn't let me accept the positive things people would say. I could get a million "stay alives" from everyone around me, and one "kill yourself" from myself, and I would do nothing but dwell on the latter.

My crying was dying own after how long? A few minutes? An hour? I couldn't tell. What came next after the crying? It does stop. It stops but the pain is still there. My body felt numb and my head hurt. My heart ached. I felt like I would start up again at any second, but I didn't.

There was a sense of calmness over me now, but I couldn't relax because I was scared. I was scared of the next time this would happen. I was scared of something, anything, jumping out of nowhere and triggering me into having a crying episode all over again. I just wanted my feelings, my heart, to be turned off and left alone forever. I wanted to be gone because then it wouldn't hurt.

What was I supposed to do now? Go through the motions? Try and sleep? I was tired. I was really tired. At least I had stopped crying and my breathing was going back to normal. Maybe I felt envious of the boy who tried to kill himself today. I wanted to do what he did, but of course I wanted to succeed. If I had succeeded then I wouldn't be on this bed crying right now. Why couldn't they all see that that's why I wanted to kill myself? I wanted to stop feeling like everything was wrong.

The other thing wrong with me was my complete and utter confusion about Vic. I felt something different for him today. I knew it was my mind playing tricks on me. He held my hand and I was mistaking it for something more. It was much too soon to have feelings for someone. Vic is an amazing human being. I hadn't ever met someone with such a kind and genuine soul.

There was a nagging voice in the back of my head questioning whether I was actually starting to like him though. It would make sense, sort of. He was the person I was closest to in here, but then again it wouldn't make sense because I shouldn't be feeling these things. It was like I wasn't allowed. He was so sweet to me though.

I sat up a little and slipped my hand into the pillow case. I stretched my fingers out until I felt the paper hidden away. I pulled out the blue iris that Vic had given me. I couldn't see it in the darkness, but I could feel it. I knew it was still perfect even though it now had many imperfections after being confined between the pillow, the case and the mattress.