Loud Like Love

Chapter One: English Summer Rain

She threw up her arms in frustration. 'Fine! Fine. Just . . . If something were really, really wrong, you'd tell me, right?'

Nick looked at his sister. She looked so worried where she stood, the look in her eyes pleading, and he felt immeasurably guilty. As if he didn't feel guilty about everything else already. He took a step forward and put his arms around her. 'Of course I would,' he murmured. 'Please, don't worry about me. And I'm sorry I'm so distant. I just . . . I still need time. I need to figure things out. I thought I knew exactly where I'd be at this point, and now it's all different. But I'll be fine.'

Zoë sighed, hugging him back. 'Okay. I'll try not to worry so much. But you're my baby brother. I'll never stop worrying completely. You understand that. Don't you?'

He nodded. 'Yeah. I do.' They pulled apart, and Nick didn't really feel hungry anymore. 'I think I'm just gonna go to bed. Bit knackered.'

'All right. Night.'

'Night.'

He couldn't sleep, however. He had known he wouldn't be able to. Too many thoughts in his head, too many images of Dave, of his friends, of Brian. And it hurt, all of it. He tried to find something else to occupy his thoughts, and his mind turned to Linda. She had changed so much, it was like she was an entirely different person. She'd been . . . nice. Actually, genuinely nice. She had apologised. If he hadn't known better, he would have thought he'd hallucinated.

Trying to sleep was futile. When he was sure Zoë and Richard were in bed and asleep, he got up quietly, got his stash out of the locked box under the bed, and tiptoed downstairs.

The night was warm, and he walked to the park in PJs and flip flops. It had stopped raining.

Sitting down on on a bench kept reasonably dry by the foliage of the tree is was under, he proceeded to roll himself a joint. Brian had taught him how, and had given him a few grams of weed to take home the last time they'd seen each other. Nick didn't smoke often, not really, but on nights like these, it helped him sleep.

He lit the joint and leaned back on the bench, taking a hit. It made his feet feel pleasantly heavy, his head clear and quiet. And it made him feel calm. He needed that calm. Not forever, just . . . now. Summer was nearly over. Real life was about to start again. He might find himself having to interact with Dave in one way or another.

Dave would be eighteen soon. Nick had imagined that they would be together for that. Now, they wouldn't. Nick wouldn't get to celebrate with him, kiss him, make him feel so good . . . Never again.

He finished his joint and stood back up. A few raindrops hit his nose as he emerged from under the tree, setting off towards home. It was just a light drizzle, and when he got back he went straight to bed again. He brought himself off, slowly, silently, Dave's name on his lips as he came. Then he fell asleep.

* * *

Matt found him at work the following day. 'Hey! Got time for a break?'

'In a sec.' Nick finished ringing up his customer before closing the register. 'Jen? I'm taking a break.'

'Okay!' came the reply from the next register over.

He and Matt went outside. It wasn't raining today, but the sky looked like it might start any minute. Nick had once again neglected to bring an umbrella. If it rained, it would be his hubris that caused it, he thought with a smile.

Once outside, Matt gave him a tight hug. 'You been doing okay?'

Nick shrugged. 'Under the circumstances. How about you? How was Greece?'

'Hot,' said Matt. 'And far too lacking in Alan. Pretty, though.' He was, once again, beautifully tanned. How someone with as fair a complexion as Matt normally had could tan so nicely, was beyond Nick's comprehension. Nick himself did not tan so much as sizzle.

'When'd you get back?'

'Yesterday afternoon.'

Nick grinned in spite of himself. 'Alan came straight over, didn't he?'

'Maybe.' Matt shrugged, though his expression belied his feigned indifference. 'You seen Stu at all?'

'Not for a couple of weeks,' Nick replied, hands in his pockets. 'As I understand it, he's visiting family in Cornwall.'

'And what about you?' Matt pulled out a cigarette and lit it. 'What have you been up to?'

'Working, mostly. Richard took us hiking in Shropshire for a week. Other than that, just been to Birmingham a couple of times.'

'To see Brian?' Matt's face was unreadable.

Nick shrugged one shoulder, looking away. 'Yeah. It's been nice. I know you don't exactly approve, Matt, but . . . Look, I need someone. Right now, that someone is him. Don't know what else to say, really.'

'I get it,' said Matt. 'I do. Just, be careful, is all I'm saying. He's good at making people fall in love with him.'

Nick shook his head. 'I'm not in love with him, and I never will be. We have fun, is all.'

'Okay,' said Matt.

Nick changed the subject. 'Zoë's going back to uni.'

'Really? What's she studying?'

'She's finishing her veterinary medicine degree. She only had a year left when . . . When Mum got sick and she had to quit to take care of me. I mean, it was either that or foster care, or go with my Dad to Plymouth, so . . .' He hadn't really talked to Matt about this too much. 'Richard moved in, few weeks ago. And with me having a job, and Richard being so stable and reliable, she finally felt like she could get back to it. It's in Nottingham, so it's a bit of a commute, and some nights she'll have to sleep there, so she has a room in halls.'

Matt smiled. 'That's great. I'm happy for her. And you. And Richard, I guess. That was a bit quick, though, wasn't it? Him moving in?'

Nick shrugged. 'They started seeing each other back in January. After the Café Underworld gig, remember? And he'd already been in our lives for a while before that, if you think about it. I think it's good. He's good for her. He's good for us. After Craig . . .' Nick had eventually told Matt what had actually happened with Craig. Matt was basically his best friend, and he deserved to know. 'After what happened, it would have been hard for Zoë to trust someone new, but he pulled it off. He's a genuinely nice person, Matt. And he loves her.'

'Then that's all that matters,' said Matt. 'I'm happy for all of you.'

Then he changed the subject, launching ahead into an account of an epic lover's spat between two American tourists he had witnessed at the Acropolis. Nick smiled. This was good. This was normal. It would do.