Blackout. Lighter flicking on and off repeatedly in MITTEN's hand, she starts slow and becomes faster, until there's virtually no time between the lighter turning off and it turning back on again.
DUTCH:
(from the dark) If you're not going to use it can I?
MITTEN slides the lighter over to DUTCH. DUTCH then lights a cigarette, blunt, or another smoking device
Lights up. MITTEN and DUTCH are in the gross bathroom of the Dunkin Donuts. MITTEN sits on the toilet.
MITTEN:
Seriously, you're gonna smoke. In here?
DUTCH:
Would you prefer I vape? Besides, it's not like anyone gives a shit.
MITTEN:
Oh my God. It's 9 am; we're at work.
Its obvious DUTCH doesn't care.
Lighting shift, audience lighting.
MITTEN:
(To audience) I fucking can't deal with any of this shit. But hey, who cares. Before we begin, let's define some common terms so you know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Dunkin Donuts. I call it hell. No one else seems to agree with me.
Shamokin, Pennsylvania. I also call it hell. Who on earth decided it would be a good idea to put that many letters together.
The United States of America. Still hell. And Satan himself has recently returned from vacation and been elected as the motherfucking president.
Donald Trump. Let's not go there. Please. Not now, at least.
Timothy Smith. I call him Dutch. But then again, so does everyone else.
Robert Joshua Brown. Mr. Brown, in his books. Bobby J, in my books. Bobby J in Dutch's book. Bobby J in everybody's books. He hates it when we call him Bobby J. I hate him, so we're even.
Me. I'm 13 if you care. I don't. My name doesn't matter. For now, I'll go by Mitten.
I would say it's nice to meet you, but I don't know you yet. So for now, it's not.
Lighting shift, character lighting. DUTCH is lighting another smoking device using his old smoking device.
MANAGER:
(Offstage, obviously angry) Kyle! How many Goddamn times do I have to tell you? The cups get stacked open side down, or is that too fucking difficult? I don't want to be known as the manager who got Dunkin Donuts a lawsuit for having dirt and dead insects in its cups. And all because of some stupid employee. Now, I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed.
DUTCH and MITTEN exchange glances, they are very aware of the fact that he's not "just disappointed".
MANAGER continues yelling at the unfortunate worker, while DUTCH and MITTEN mock him.
MANAGER bangs on the door.
MANAGER:
Get your asses out of there. I don't pay you guys to fuck.
DUTCH:
[Option 1] See what I mean? Everyone already thinks I've had my dick in you, so what's the harm in actually doing it?
[Option 2] As if! I'd have to be high as balls to ever even have the thought of touching you cross my mind.
MITTEN looks at the door, looks at DUTCH, and rolls her eyes. Lighting switch, audience lighting.
MITTEN:
(To audience) Just to be clear: no. I don't like Dutch. Never have, and highly doubt I ever will. He just happens to be here, and he just happens to-- how do I put this? --not grind my fucking gears.
Lighting switch, character lighting. MITTEN gets up and exits.
DUTCH:
Come on, don't be like that. (yelling) I was kidding!
Beat. DUTCH sits back down and continues smoking.
DUTCH:
Can you at least pass my powerade?
DUTCH starts rapping to himself. Pick your poison from any of the lines below:
Yeah
99.1 listen up
Bud life
Yeah
Now before i go, meet up with my attorneys. Listen up
Yeah
Dutch smith
Uh ok wha wha
I shoot up the coke the meth and d
Put my dick in the shamokin skeez
??
Then i smoke the trees the only ? on me
?? ?? in a ten ten
From a triple C
Yeah you know me
BPYD
Having sex on E!
?? ?? on me
Yeah my cum is great
With the bright orange pee
I'm doped out every day
But that ain't all
All my boys sippin on cheap alcohol
Oh boy i'm lit
Hit the pussy bruh
Got the hitch from my bitch
Then i scratch my balls
Now i don't need a lot to think a bitch is sexy
If she a dope whore then she got the ??
Imma knock that stanky pussy into next week
Shit
On the track is what we asked for
Burn Harder than dunkin' donuts back room
I'm makin sellin drugs
Cuz i have used
Why buy a needle
I got em used
Why would i snort it
If i could shoot
I'm from shamokin
I'm on the news
(x2)
Haha
Y'all gotta stop acting like I'm the one that burnt this shit down in the first place
DUTCH:
Oh shit! That's good. That's really good.
DUTCH searches his pockets for a sharpie, finds it and writes the lyrics on the bathroom wall. A blue Powerade rolls in. DUTCH notices it.
DUTCH:
I didn't want mountain berry blast!
MITTEN:
(Offstage) Fuck you!
Lights dim.
YOU ARE READING
The Donut Diaries
General FictionThe Donut Diaries is a play about a teenage girl's perspective of all the absolute nonsense that currently exists in the US of A moments before she set a Dunkin Donuts on fire. It is aggressive and opinionated and kind of a mess, but then again, so...
