Breaking Point: Darkness Within

The Resulting Feelings and Aftermath

She got ready to go and he took her home on his two-seated bike. He kissed her after dropping her off and then headed home. She hid her pain and put on a fake smile. She went about the rest of her weekend and soon school was back. Zana went to school, seeming a little happier now that the nightmarish weekend was finally over with. Lucas saw her standing by her locker and offered to help her with her books. She accepted and walked with him, one hand holding some books like he was, and the other, intertwined with his free hand. He walked Zana to her class and kissed her gently before heading off to his own. She tried to focus that day and Biology, her first class, helped her in her endeavor. She tried to stay relaxed and was relieved that no mark had resulted that lasted on her throat. She sounded a bit better now, as if just a little congested. She continued with her day, not seeing Lucas as he had the second lunch period. She found a quiet corner during each of her frees and wrote some poetry. She wrote poetry regarding life and its upset as well as its good qualities such as Lucas, but had a harder time reflecting the good in her work.

Meanwhile, for Lucas, the event that had occurred the weekend prior was driving him crazy. He decided he wanted to talk with his girlfriend about it. He would talk the next day as he didn't see her today. The following day, Tuesday, the twenty-fourth of October, Lucas found Zana during lab, the first time they would see each other that given day. She seemed down and appeared to be writing something. He went up to her. Catching her by surprise, she slammed the journal closed, and then immediately afterwards, acted embarrassed with her actions. She apologized and explained that he had simply scared her. In other terms, she had not heard or seen him approaching until he was right there. Lucas sat beside her and began to talk with her.

"Zana, I want to talk with you," Lucas said calmly, trying desperately not to provoke or worry her.

"About what, Lucas?" she asked as she got nervous.

He only came to talk to her in this way about things that were bad. The other time he wanted to talk, he asked her to please get herself more help than himself, which became the school counselor. He knew she could easily guess the basis of what he wished to discuss; the subject of worry within his heart. And he decided something. He knew he had to be careful how he worded it.

"Love, I want to talk a-about..." he couldn't say it.

"No, not that, please," Zana said, her voice shaking.

"What?" he asked, nervous she was suggesting the exact topic.

"I know it was wrong. I won't harm myself like that again without trying to let you first help me," Zana said to get him to stop.

"That is good that you recognize it is not the answer. However, I have a question."

"Go ahead. What is it?" she now calmed down, holding the belief that it was not a bad question or of relation to anything unpleasant.

"Zana, it has really been bothering me what happened last weekend. Please, will you tell someone?" Lucas almost sounded like he was going to cry or at least that's how she interpreted it.

"I can't. I really am sorry, Lucas. I wish that it was not bothering you as I am unable to do so," she said, filling her voice with sorrow for her own weakness within.

"You won't?" he was upset and began to walk off.

"Lucas, WAIT!" she grabbed his arm and he turned to look at her. "Last weekend... you cut me down. Thanks," she then let go of his arm.

"I'd do anything to save your life, dear," he then walked off.

Zana returned to her writing, all the while developing upset for making her love, Lucas, sad. She just couldn't forgive herself for attempting suicide. How could anyone else? At least they would be brutally upset and angry with her. Her anger and hatred toward herself were enough. She could not handle anymore. "I hate myself," she thought. "So why does he love me? I can't kill myself if he loves me because I'll only cause him pain and he will hurt more." She heard the bell ring. History, the second period, was next. She headed off to it and was silent during it as she suffered from her sorrow and pain. The day went along, and she thought about how Lucas was lucky to end on his free period, six, today. Instead, she ended on Honors Geometry, her sixth period. She remained self-absorbed, being eaten at by her pain. She was waiting to get home, so she could be alone. When she finally arrived home, she saw a text from Lucas.

"I've been worried about you. How are you?" he asked in the message.

"How do you know when I'm going to bawl my eyes out?" she asked.

"Hey, don't. What's bothering you, dear?" he asked, now concerned.

"I hurt you earlier. It's been bothering me so deeply," she replied to him.

"About that... it's fine," Lucas texted.

"That is not at all like you. Is something the matter?" she asked, now worrying about him. "Have I done something?"

"No, listen, I love you too. I got to go but I will try to be back soon," that was the last text she got from him.

She then worked on some homework and tried to focus. She managed to relax herself enough. She finished everything she had to and went to bed early that night. She missed laying against him and loved him deeply. She decided right then: "I'll live for him." She laid in her bed, a pillow held tightly to her chest. This was to help nourish the desire to be with her love. She cried herself to sleep that night. Her sister saw her door open and asked if she wanted it closed.

Amber noticed Zana holding the pillow to her chest. Confused as to why, she went up to check on her. Now closer, she could see her sister's face stained with shed tears. "Why was she crying?" Amber wondered. She then walked out, letting Zana rest. The morning soon arose and Wednesday came. The whole week mainly went like this, her yearning for Lucas' love just to stay alive. She had begun to text him even on the week days after school and started wearing a rubber band on her wrist. Amber would see her sister smack herself with the rubber band and was confused. There was obviously beginning to make sense of a problem existing for Zana. She never had showed interest in any type of self-harm. "She's not doing something worse, is she?" Amber wondered nervously.

Zana went about her week and Friday began. A regular day, but Lucas seemed off. She asked him if everything was okay and he said that everything was. She kissed him on the head, whispering words of her love to him. He gained a dim smile and kissed her, being gentle but knocking her over. She laughed softly, only the two of them being able to hear it as they were alone; away from others. They shared a beautiful kiss, her hands on his chest to balance him. She lowered her hands to her chest and his cupped hers, still embracing were their lips. He was not much heavier than she and for once, she smiled. She flipped him over, now being on top of him. She cupped his cheeks and he reached his hands up to do the same for her. She lowered her head again, his lips meeting hers once more. She began to really smile for the first time.

"Lucas?" she asked sweet in tone, her cheeks flushed.

"Yes, dear?" he said.

"I've made a decision," she said, now calming her tone a little.

"What is it, hun?" he asked, getting a little worried that she'd calmed her tone and lost her smile.

"I'm going to live for you. I know you love me, so I'll do it," Zana said.

"That's good, dear..." he seemed to be bothered now.

"What's the matter? I thought you'd want to hear that. I thought it would make you happy," she began to sound upset.

"I just was not expecting that. That's all, Zana," he then cupped her cheeks.

She sat up, taking his hands off her cheeks. "Let's stop..."

"Did I do something?" concerned, he asked her.

"No. Class will—" the bell rang. "My point, Lucas."

She got up and walked over to her locker, grabbed her stuff, and then headed to class. She went on with her day, relaxed for the most part. Lunch came around and she started thinking again. "Lucas seemed upset, but why?" She pondered. "Is it something I did? I hope he is fine that I pulled away when I had. Wait... why is he not happy that I'll live for him? Does he not really love me?" she began to wonder as tears started to form in her eyes. "Does he want me dead?" she was about to cry, but then remembered that he'd cut her down. "NO!" she accidentally said sternly aloud as she began to shake. Kate was with her.

"Zana, are you okay?" she tapped her shoulder.

Tears hit the floor. "Kate, leave me alone. Have Lucas find me if you see him. Tell him two words: her locker."