Sunday (2017) "Sunday, I know you don't want to hear this.But, I want you to listen to me. It's almost been a year , you have to move on." My therapist said.
"But.. Dr.Silas, I love her." I said sniffling. This topic was still very tender.
She handed me a tissue, I wiped my eyes and just looked at her for a few. She had to be in her mid to late thirty's. Her skin was chestnut, not a blemish in site. Her hair was parted down the middle, loose curls fell a little past her shoulders. She had black oversized Gucci frames on face. Her wedding ring caught my eye, it was pear shaped that sat on her skinny manicured ring finger.
"Let me ask you something doctor.You're married right?"
"Yes."She said pushing her glasses up on her face more.
"Then you, of all people should know love does not come without sacrifices."
"That I admit, is very true. But love should never cause you to feel depressed and all alone. You've secluded yourself, and that right there is all signs of why you should try , or at least attempt to move on." She said.
I shook my head."No, she'll be back."
She looked down at her Apple watch." I'm going to give you an assignment and when you come back I want you to read it aloud."
"What's the assignment ?" I asked of curiosity. I loved a good task.
"Write yourself a letter to Logan. Express every feeling you're feeling."
"Then what?" I asked trying to get the point of this exercise.
"You'll see when you come back. Now that's our hour, I'll see you again Friday morning."
I got up off the ottoman , grabbed my jacket and said goodbye . It was another Fall rainy day in Arlington, Virginia. I parked in the garage , after finding it and getting in , I laid my head back against the headrest .My phone run startling me . I took it out my pocket and seen it was my mom , again .
I had become so distant in the last six months , I can't even remember the last time I saw my mom , let alone spoke to her . Reluctantly, I decided to answer . "Sunday!" "Hey mom." "You've finally , answered . How are you ?" "I'm .. ok ." I said lying . "You don't sound ok." "I'm trying to be . But how are you mom ? I know it's been a while." "I'm okay I miss you, when are you coming to visit ? We all miss you ." "I .. I don't know things have been hectic at work ." "How about we come to visit you one weekend ?" "I'll come there in a few weeks but I have to go now mom, I'm late for work." "Ok, I'll hold you to it . I love you ." "Love you too." With that I hung up. I looked at my wallpaper on my iPhone 8plus before locking it . It was a off guard picture I took of Logan at the airport smiling .
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
We were just coming back from Houston . It was both of our first time going and we had a blast . I couldn't even bring myself to change my wallpaper so how could I possibly even fathom the thought of moving on ? I could feel warm tears falling , no one truly knew how I felt . I felt like I was losing a huge part of me, my best friend in the whole word, literally a chunk of me. Before Logan, I never ever in my life thought my soulmate would be a girl.
She knew me better than I knew myself. I had only dated one person before her so I hadn't known much about dating in general. She was always patient with me, the first person I feel like I could really be myself around. I miss her, I miss us. I don't know how I've been managing to get through the days.I guess I can thank Tequila for that.
It feels like I'm on autopilot , I find that the more I drink , the faster the days go. Days literally feel like they're over as soon as they start. Honestly, I was grateful. I know that's a sign I need to slow down or more so stop , but I can't. I'm barely holding on, I don't know what to do anymore.
For some reason when I'm sad , which is everyday, I love to play sad songs to make me even more sad. The logic behind it? Honestly there really isn't any that's just me. I guess in order to attempt to move on I need to feel every part of this aching heartbreak . The problem is I don't want to move on.
As unhealthy as my thinking process is going I don't care I just want my person back.I connected my phone to blue tooth and played my sad playlist . Drake - Shot for me came blasting out of my speakers. This song came out years ago and it still feels like the first time listening every time.
After the song finished I finally left the parking garage and headed to school. I was in a senior at the Art Institute of Washington. I had a 11 ' o clock class and I didn't want to be late. Fifteen minutes later I made it to class . I grabbed my art kit and took the first seat I seen available .
Professor Mulligan was late .. again . It's literally three weeks until graduation and he's never been on time. I don't even understand why I bother rushing to be on time when my professor doesn't care . Today we were going over our homework from last night . Since this was an intermediate art class , the standards were pretty high for this class.
We were instructed to take our assignments out , when it got to my turn to present everyone fell quiet . It was abstract I drew every emotion I felt over the course of 6 & 1/2 months. It was pure chaos but it was raw and it kept me busy. And when I'm busy I'm ok because I don't have time to think, or feel.
"This .. it's amazing . What was your muse?" Professor Mulligan asked. "Heartbreak & agony ." I said not realizing I had said it aloud. "Welcome back ." He said smiling . I admit this has been one of my best pieces since last year. I had this Professor twice since I've been so he knows my quality. I smiled , I hadn't been myself in months and it reflected in my work . Of course I was the best artist in the class , that was a given but lately I've been playing it safe .
