I sat in the middle of my bed clutching my teddy bear staring at the wall in deep thought so much shit was going through my brain , I didn't want to go to sleep I mean I wanted to but couldn't not tonight anyways i sighed as i looked down
While my tray sat in front of me
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It was filled with cigarettes,pills,razors and a lighter i've smoked 3 cigarettes in the space of a hour and it was currently 6:00A.M I pulled another cig out and placed it to my lips
As i lit my lighter watching it burn in satisfaction as the smoke filled my lungs causing my anxiety to automatically erase
I grabbed a handfull of my xanax contemplating to end it all right here right now as i was about to throw them in my mouth my moms face popped up in my head
How could i be so selfish? I can't leave my mommy here all alone to suffer with all the pain i caused her, she didn't hold me in her wound for me to be doing no dumb shit like that, I placed them back in my tray and pulled out one of my many razors i had
I placed it to my soft honey complexion slowly slicing my skin causing a weight to lift of my shoulders I leaned over to my dresser grabbing my bandages and wrapping my wrist tightly
Just as I finished taping it my alarm went off indicating it was 6:20A.M I had to be at school for 7:30 so i had enough time, I hopped out of bed and opened my closet door skimming through all my colorful clothes
Going right to my black/darker choices I don't care what anybody says black is the move I hate standing out the fuck I look like a clown? Goofy ass
I set my oufit out on my bed then jumped in a quick 20 minute shower, I drenched and srubbed myself in my coconut scented body wash then washin it off doing the same thing again I didn't bother washing my hair
After I finished my shower I did my hygeine and let my hair do it's thing and just did my edges I placed my big jumper over my head being careful not to mess up my hair
I put on my black nike tracksuit bottoms and my black air force ones I bent down on the floor as i slid under my bed pulling out my safe, I entered the code as I grabbed my black pistol tucking it into my pants
I walked downstairs seeing my ma sat at the counter going through what looked liked bills we had been a lil back on the bills this month and they threatened to cut off our water and electric
*chuckles*"more bills huh?" She jumped holding her chest with a scared expression on her face
"Chyna rose blanco" Here we go again
"What i tell you about scaring your mother like that you damn near gave me a heart attack, and if you must know with your nosy self yes they are bills but don't worry i have it under control okay?"
she was lying straight through her teeth, shes been saying the same thing for the last month as much as she tried to she could never lie to me i knew her from her flaws to perfection she was like glass i could see straight through her
I gave her a simple head nod with a weak smile while i grabbed a granola bar placing a kiss on her cheek and leaving out the house
Time skip
I pulled into the school parking lot reversing into my spot before a car pulled into it causing me to slam on my breaks and jerk forward Time to kill a nigga i thought before taking my gun off safety and getting out my range
