Contest Entry - 𝒮𝓂𝒾𝓁𝑒

𝒮𝓂𝒾𝓁𝑒

If I wasted time and energy telling you a fairy tale of how he and I first met and how I developed my feelings for him, it would take forever. Instead I'll tell the truth. I've known him for plenty of years now, and no matter how far apart we are now, I still think of him every day. I also waste an awful lot of time wondering whether he thinks of me. And then hoping he thinks of me as often as I think of him, despite that situation being near hopeless.

But let's start at the beginning.

On the first day of sixth grade, quite a few years ago, there was a new boy joining the school. He was the only one to transfer from my old school. I hadn't been a particularly social second grader, the last time we may have met, so I couldn't decide whether we had met before. I didn't know then how I would feel now, which is why I don't really believe in love-at-first sight stories.

The next memory I have of him is in Spanish class. We had gotten back some test scores and he had done better than I had, which made me a little jealous, but mostly happy for him. He was angry at himself because he thought he could do better. I was sure he could, for how smart he was, but I would have been satisfied with a 92%.

A few months after that, the school pulled the extra-smart students and I out of classes to take an ACT practice test, to practice for a test that we wouldn't have to really take for another five years. I got a 19/34 on reading and 22/34 on writing. His scores were higher, and still he was disappointed thinking he could have done better.

It was the next year before we really interacted much more than a wave again. I had invited him to come and sit with me and my friends, but he was more comfortable by himself. It made me a little sad. I considered him my friend regardless.

We shared a few classes that year. Once, another student got angry for whatever reason. They'd been talking and he had mentioned that his dream was to study science, specifically nuclear science. He mentioned a kid who had built a nuclear reactor in his backyard, or something like that. The other student thought he was showing off, saying he could build things like that. I jumped in to respond to the other boy, who I didn't care for at all. That boy thought I was saying that he would do it, for sure.

"I'm not saying he will, but... well, he's probably the smartest kid I know. I wouldn't say he can't, either."

He would occasionally ask for my help with grammar or math, or we would have some idle conversation about conspiracies or doomsday. He always mentioned that he wanted to get better grades, despite being top of his classes in every subject. I worried that he would overwork himself. We had several casual interactions, but it wouldn't be until a year later that I would decide how I felt for him. Within that year, I lied to myself. I lied to everyone else, too. I would pretend to like people who I barely wanted as a friend, let alone as a lover, but I kept up the charade because I didn't know what else to do.

One day, we went on a field trip to some downtown event. It was very fun, but our dumb school made us dress up when nobody else even made the slightest effort to dress special for the occasion. I barely cared, as I was surrounded by friends. I got to talk to our local weather man from the news, and I told him he needed a new editor, as the old one let quite a lot of things slide. My other friends mocked me the whole time for that and for not wanting to cross a massive bridge on foot, but he was kind to me all the time. He was the only one who didn't mock me, besides the people who I didn't talk to. I enjoyed it even when he was silent.

The next year, I lied even more. I couldn't deal with anything I was doing, so that was the only way I could go on living like I was. And all the time, he was there. His presence was comforting. Something in his smile... he made me want to see it every day. I would always tell jokes and talk about happy things when I saw him, just to see that wonderful smile. Something about his smile, about him, comforted me in a way I did not understand.

On the night of talent show auditions, I was very self conscious. I was wearing a dress, and as a girl who barely wears things like sequins or glitter, a prom-like dress was something to be feared. When all my female friends approved, I wished he could see me, see how pretty they thought I was. I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could make him smile. That was when I realized I felt that kind of way for him.

I continued to lie to myself and managed to become so distracted and infatuated with someone else that I confessed. I immediately knew my mistake. I backed out as quick as I could, but not before the other boy told everyone. Someone asked me about the other boy instantly. I sputtered and didn't give a clear answer. Up until that point, I had been feeling confident. I felt even pretty that day. I'd been wearing a button-up with the top two buttons undone and the sleeves rolled up, but that encounter was enough to make me so nervous I did up both buttons, rolled down my sleeves, and sat in silence for the rest of class. I couldn't even look at his face. I didn't know what he could be thinking and I didn't want to. I wanted him to know how I felt, but I couldn't even talk to him without being nervous, especially not after that encounter. We didn't talk much after that. I didn't get to see that smile.

On my last day at that school, I meant to get his contact information so that we could at least stay in touch, but I managed to forget. I didn't see him for months. Almost every day, I'd wish to see him smiling, to be able to tell him how I felt, but I had no way of doing either.

Now, roughly a year later, the last time I saw him was a month ago. We were at a concert. He and I waited until after the concert, then we talked about anything and everything. I felt so safe, like I could say anything to him. It was the safest I've ever felt before or since. And yet, once again, I didn't get a phone number or anything. At the moment, all I have a is an old yearbook picture.

No matter how many times I see that picture, it never fails to make me smile.

:)

(Update 1/28/2020. Yeah, it didn't go well. I'll leave this up but I'm a bit sad and might take it down later.)

.•♫•♬•NekoGamez•♬•♫•.