Losing Life's Grip

You never know everything..

Most didn't truly know Mitch and now I know I didn't know him as well as I thought.

Today John let me go into Mitch's room. For a while I layed in his bed enhailing his scent. His bed smelt of pine needles and Axe body spray. I looked around to see pictures of me and him some of which were just us looking at the camera others were taken by his parents unknowingly. My favorite one was us on the backyard swings. He was pushing me and I was laughing. We were were 15 or 16,we were best friends. We were in love.

I started to snoop around. I opened a drawer to find underwear. Next drawer had socks. Then the last drawer nothing. "Ugh.."  I wanted to find something to keep, something that won't be forgotten about in 10 years. There was nothing.

Then there was a notebook, a small cracked notebook. I opened it the first page, it read:

"Hello I'm Mitchell Johnson. Oh lord this is so cliché. Anyway I was told to write my feelings. Honestly I don't about this shit. I don't want to write. Writing won't help. You wanna know how I feel? I want to shove this notebook up your a---"

Enough with that page. I filled the page:

"I hate everything. Is that better? Is that what you wanted? You wanted me to admit that I want to die? Well I want to die.---"

"Oh my god."

"--I hate this world. Sure some things are great but that's not enough and I feel like that's selfish of me. Selfish to want to doe when I have amazing things."

I stuffed the damaged book in my purse. This is not what I wanted but at least I knew that I wouldn't forget this.

"Hello John. Umm i'm heading home if you need anything I can always stop real quick.." "No it's fine Kat. I'll see you later?" "Yeah of course," I walked outside into the warm air towards my blue Honda Accent.

What if he didn't get hit by accident? What if he jumped in front of the car? What if I was there, would he still be here?

My car sat silently waiting to be driven as I closed my eyes imaging him. "Kat it's okay babe. I'm here. I'll never leave you behind." "BUT YOU LEFT. YOU LEFT WITHOUT ME." I yelled and he slowly disappear, "no please.." No matter how much I begged it didn't help. He was still gone and it was my fault.

I couldn't save him. I couldn't save myself. Why am I trying? Because I know that I can live on for me and Mitch. Mitch deserved life even in death.