PARADISE//mitchel cave

chapter fifteen

"Mitchel," he snapped his head in my direction. "What?" he questioned. I pointed at the shopping cart by us, "I want to get in it." His eyes widened. "Let's do it, I'll push it." He giggled and we both jumped up on cue. I grabbed the bottle of alcohol and the camera before jumping in the red cart. Mitchel came over and grabbed the handles to push me. "What if I just pushed you down this hill and let you go?" He giggled slightly. "Mitchel, I'd probably fuckin die." He laughed loudly, making me smile as well. "I don't want you to die, I'd miss you too much." He was amusing when he was drunk but I couldn't deny I was in the same place. "Then don't push me down the hill dummy." He smiled, leaning on the handle and grabbing the bottle from me. "Get in with me," I giggled out, probably not my best idea. "Babe, I don't think I'd fit." He handed the bottle back to me. I took out the camera and took a picture of him, he looked too amazing in this light to not remember it. With the moonlight and the parking lot lights, he practically glowed. He didn't even make another comment, just started climbing into the tiny shopping cart. I giggled, moving forward so he could slide in behind me. He stretched his legs out around me as he settled in and I leaned back into his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and as uncomfortable as we were, I was so comfortable in his arms. That doesn't make much sense but that's what I was thinking. "Mitchel you're so warm and soft I love it." He wrapped his arms around me tighter, pulling me closer to him. "Then we'll stay like this," I took another swig. If anyone saw us we looked insane. We were literally crammed into a small cart in a parking lot drinking straight from the bottle. He pulled out his phone and flipped it to the front camera, I quickly covered my face but he still took the photo. "Oh my goodness you are so cute I just wanna keep you." I giggled at his words, he said the funniest things when he was drunk. "Mitchel I'm literally here with you, what do you mean you wanna keep me?" I giggled, resting my arm over his that was wrapped around me. "I wanna call you mine," he put his head on top of mine. He started again before I could respond, "I know I never like officially asked or anything but I want to be with you in every way." I traced patterns in the back of his hand, and responded the only way I could think to. "I just hate labels so much," I felt him shift slightly under me. "Jake used to hold the word girlfriend over me every chance he got. Like I'm his girlfriend so that's why he could do whatever he wanted to me. I'm his girlfriend so he's allowed to talk to me however he wants. It made me resent it and everything it represented." I tried to sober up as much as I could. I did not want to be having this conversation while intoxicated. "I completely understand that but I would never do that, you know that, right?"

"Of course I know that, I just don't want to associate those bad memories with you in any way." He loosened his grip around me slightly, my heart falling in my chest. "I'm not like him though." I wish he understood, I wanted every part of him. I knew alcohol in our systems wasn't helping. I wanted to be committed to him, I just didn't want to have to put us in under a label. "It has nothing to do with you, Mitchel." He took another long drink, "it sounds like you don't want me to be your boyfriend." I shook my head, wishing I was looking him in the eyes. We should be having this conversation sober, it would go so much smoother.   He wasn't hearing what I was saying. "Baby, it's not that at all. I just hate the word and what it represents in my head. It's not about you, it's about my past. It's about what Jake made my views of it. When I hear the word girlfriend, I think that means you own me and and it means you can do whatever you want to me whenever you want." Mitchel completely dropped his arms. "That's not what it means to me." Fuck. I didn't want to have this talk, why couldn't I just be normal like every other girl? I sat up and turned around so that I faced him, this cart was too small for us to get any distance between each other. "Mitchel, I want everything the word implies to you. I want that commitment, I want you." He wouldn't meet my eyes and I knew we were far from a solution. We were both too stubborn to compromise, I didn't know what to do. He took another swig, "can you stop drinking for two seconds and just talk to me?" I didn't want to argue with him, I really didn't. "So what then? Are you telling me you just wanna be friends? Friends with benefits?" He was missing the whole point. I got out of the cart, and he followed, neither of us in the mood anymore. Drunk arguments are the worst and I knew if we got into it we would say something we didn't mean. "No Mitchel, my whole point is I don't want to label what's between us at all. I just want us to know where we stand and be comfortable with that." He laughed, he fucking laughed, my anger grew. "So what exactly am I supposed to tell people? You know when someone asks if we're dating I'm just gonna say 'oh not really but we know where we stand'. Cause that's bullshit Kayla I don't want to do that. I want to be able to tell people you're mine." I didn't know what else to say to him, this whole thing seemed so ridiculous to me. "I don't understand why you want to label us so bad Mitchel, what's the big deal about this?" His eyes were sad and it broke my heart to see him distraught like this. "It just seems like you're trying to keep me from tying you down." I almost laughed, but nothing he said was funny. "So, what does that mean Mitchel? You think I'm gonna go off and sleep with other guys just because I don't want to be called your girlfriend?" I was trying to keep myself from getting mad. "Why would you even say that?" He's gotta be joking, "that's what you were implying Mitchel, and that's bullshit. You know I wouldn't do that."

"Actually, I don't know that. How am I supposed to know that? I've barely known you a month, maybe the whole time I've been away you've been sleeping with other guys. Maybe you cheated on Jake, how would I know?" His words cut through me like a knife. My heart hurt. I wanted to cry, I thought he knew me better than that. The fact that he brought up Jake made me want to throw up. He knew exactly what to say to hurt me and he said it. "Fuck you Mitchel," tears sprung to my eyes and I walked away from him. I didn't even want to look at him. "Where are you going?" He followed after me, "I don't know. Maybe I should just go home tonight like I had planned." He grabbed my hand, "no don't, I-" He stuttered slightly. "I didn't mean that." I knew he didn't mean it but it still hurt just as bad. "I don't care Mitchel, you still fucking said it." I held back tears as I spoke, I wouldn't let myself cry in front of him. "Look, if you don't want to be my girlfriend then you don't have to be." He still didn't get it, "Mitchel you're still missing the point." I was so upset, his words were still playing in my mind. "What's the point then? Because I must be missing something." I stopped walking and turned to face him. "It has nothing to do with me not wanting to be with you, it's just the word. It's only the word, nothing else. But if it really means that much to you maybe I should just stop thinking about my past so much." His face softened, "I just- I just want to be able to show you off and call you my girlfriend so everyone knows you're mine and that you actually have feelings for me. It'd just mean a lot." My heart grew heavy, but in a different way than before. I kept trying to tell myself it wasn't a big deal. If it'd make him happy it'd be worth it, right? "Okay then," I cant believe I was changing this for him. I had literally said when I ended things with Jake I would never let someone claim me like that again. I should know that everything is different with Mitchel, I need to make a clean slate. Jake's still holding me back and I hated it. He still has too much say over my life and I don't even talk to him anymore. "I guess we can make it work. I'll be your girlfriend." Even though I was compromising with this I was still really hurt by what he had said earlier and I wouldn't just forget that. But I didn't want to be mad anymore, I didn't want him to be mad. A smile broke out on his face and made me forget why I put up a fight at all. "Really?" He grabbed my hands. "Yes," he pulled me in and laid a small kiss on my lips. "It means a lot to me, I know you don't understand it but I'm really glad you changed your mind." I sort of hated it, but I also liked the idea of telling people that he was my boyfriend. I just needed to grow used to the words without the awful expectations. "and I'm really sorry about what I said. I didn't mean it at all, you know that. I don't think of you that way," I furrowed my eyebrows. "You cant just say things you know will hurt me just because you're upset." I dropped his hands, walking back over to our pile of things. "I regretted it as soon as I said it. I'm sorry." It still fucking hurt. "Okay, Mitchel." I didn't want to talk about it anymore. "I'm serious Kayla, I don't want you to think I meant that." The fact that he didn't mean it almost hurt more, he just said it out of pure spite, just to get a reaction out of me. "It's fine Mitchel, I promise."

"Look at me then," I met his eyes but as soon as I did I wanted to break down all over again. I looked back down at the ground. "See, you're not okay." I wanted to fucking scream and cry and throw things. "You were really mean," my voice broke and I silently hated myself for giving up my emotions. He grabbed my face with both of his hands and forced me to look into his eyes, "I'm so fucking sorry, I hate seeing you like this. I'm so sorry, baby. I was just hurt, it had nothing to do with you." There were tears in my eyes and I knew he could tell. As fucked up as the shit he said was, I felt for him. We're drunk and angry and I knew he didn't think before he spoke. "It's okay," I closed my eyes and the tears fell down my face. I felt his lips on my cheeks, attempting to kiss them away. I smiled softly at his small gesture. "I promise I'm okay Mitchel," I opened my eyes to meet his. "I don't want to hurt you ever," I could tell he meant it. "I don't want to fight with you," I confessed, meaning it. "I don't want to fight either, maybe we should go back to the bus and sleep this off. We can talk more tomorrow if you want to." I nodded, gathering our things and putting the lid back on our half empty bottle. "That's probably for the best." We called an uber and waited in silence, neither one of us wanting to say anything. It was comfortable though, not like we were waiting on the other to say something. When we got back to the venue, we were pretty tired and went straight to his bunk. I curled up in his chest and he held me close, randomly laying kisses on my head. "Goodnight my love," he pulled me in closer, but I didn't answer. I didn't want to talk, I just wanted to lay here in his arms and forget about tonight.