Pum Pum Rock

2. Brown Bag Cutie

Nate stood atop a downtown Los Angeles rooftop and scanned the expansive skyline. Since she'd hung up the phone with her family earlier that morning, her mind had been clouded with thoughts of Auntie Earlene's diagnosis. A welcomed distraction, Nate gripped her boom microphone firmly and silently thanked God for work.

It was past morning rush hour, but the downtown streets below continued to bustle as the skeleton film crew assembled for their first shot of the day on the set of what was shaping up to be one of the most asinine dating shows in reality show history. "Brown Bag Cutie" was produced by Herbst Studios and its premise was simple. Five daters vied for the attention of one picker. Despite the fact that four out of five daters were required to wear elaborate masks, producers encouraged contestants to act normal. "It's not like we don't all wear masks on first dates," the director would often quip. "Some of you are married, and still wearing masks."

This was Round One of the competition, and by the round's conclusion, the pool of five competitors would narrow to four guys sparring for the attention of one female picker. Two of the men sported Mexican wrestling masks, while a couple more rocked customized brown bags and the final contender remained bare-faced.

"Okay fellas, congrats, and welcome to Brown Bag Cutie," the female picker squealed as she lowered into the ebullient Jacuzzi. "Cheers! We're about to have so much fun!" The group clinked their glasses together, and toasted mimosas as Nate angled the boom microphone in their direction. While pursuing her music producer dreams Nate had landed a gig as boom operator on the reality show, which was in truth, more mating show than dating show.

"Now this may be a little premature," The Picker continued, "but I want to see who's got the best victory dance." Busty, buzzed, and not too bright, The Picker had the top three traits for TV gold.

"Nothing premature about me!" The overconfident, Dater #1 exclaimed. Nate rolled her eyes at the obvious innuendo as the unmasked Dater #1hopped from the Jacuzzi and commenced a rhythm-less two-step.

The director hung back, doling out camera cues and watching the date unfold on a monitor. "Camera Two, go tight on this idiot. Camera One, you stay wide," she whispered into the camera operator's earpieces.

"I'd rather take a victory lap," Dater #2 responded. He then plunged below the water's surface and headed straight for the picker's thighs. Realizing that he'd been outfoxed, the bare-faced Dater #1 appeared defeated. The remaining contestants had a good laugh at the unfolding scenario.

"Camera One, slow zoom on Mr. Two Left Feet and Camera Two, same move on The Picker," commanded the director.

Nate held the boom as steady as possible. In her earphones, the indisputable moaning of the female picker grew intense. Was he really giving her underwater head? Nate watched as The Picker's eyeballs rolled back in plausible ecstasy.

"Man, just cut! Cut already!" The bare face dater yelled and then stormed off as Dater #2 emerged and waved goodbye.

"Later, dude," Dater #2 laughed.

"I suggest you gargle, dude!" The bare-faced Dater #1 screamed while pulling up faded jeans over his swimming trunks. "Y'all don't pay me enough." He said bolting toward the exit.

Nate was in shock as the busty blonde pushed Dater #2's head back under water. The director was thrilled.

"Follow him to confessional," the director ordered as the producer leaped to her feet and trailed behind the frustrated contestant.

"Camera One, go wide. Camera Two, keep rolling on The Picker."

After several hours of day drinking and crude commentary disguised as getting to know each other, it was Round Three, and The Picker had narrowed her choices down to two daters. Dater #2, his identity still obscured by a Lucha Libre wrestling mask, had remained charming throughout the day and seemed to genuinely connect with The Picker. Plus, although his face remained hidden, his athletic build had been on display all day. The man clearly worked out, and Nate was convinced that he was a shoo-in for the coveted solo date.

His competition, an alpha male rocking a bedazzled brown bag was also outgoing with an over-the-top persona. The wannabe reality star had a banging body and perfect personality for television; however, he had managed to irk the hell out of everyone on set. His first faux pas was shorting out a wireless microphone because he felt the need to cannonball into the pool during round two. Idiot.