A Prison Of My Own Making

Introduction

By Rachel Vincent

My name is Rachel, and I would like to tell you the story of my life. But before I can tell you my story, I need you to understand something. Those of us who live with dissociative identity disorder live in two worlds. I don't mean this metaphorically, I mean it literally. We live in what we call the "external world", which is the physical world that every person lives in, in which we interact with other people who are physically separate from us. Usually, only one of "us" (the parts or alters within our system) can be present in the external world at a time, although there are exceptions to this sometimes. The other world is called the "internal world", although there are other names for it, such as the "inner world", the "headspace", and other terms, depending on what that particular DID system feels comfortable calling it. But whatever we call it, this is the world inside our mind in which all of the rest of us live when we are not the one "out" or "fronting", which means the one who is currently controlling our physical body in the external world. For those who aren't familiar with DID, it can be tempting to think that, because the internal world exists only within our mind, that makes it "less real" or even fake or made up. I can assure you, that is not the case. It is a very real place within our mind, in which we, as parts of the system that makes up "us" as a multiple-minded person, can interact with each other and live a life parallel to our life in the external world. Things that happen in the internal world can, and do, affect our life in the external world, and vice versa.

There is no standard template for what a DID system's internal world looks like or functions. Each one is unique, because each person in the world is unique. But the one thing that is constant is that they don't form at random. They are shaped by our experiences, by the nature of the trauma that we have endured that caused us to be multiple in the first place. Some are very simple, just one small room with no decorations. Others are entire worlds with multiple nations and ecosystems. Some are beautiful paradises, and others are nightmarish, frightening places. They can be shaped by our fantasies of what we wish our life was like in the external world, or by the idea that we don't deserve a good life, because we are told over and over by abusers that we are worthless. Through therapy, we can usually learn to reshape our internal worlds for the better, but it doesn't come easily. They have been built slowly, over the course of years or decades, and thus can't be rebuilt or changed too quickly. We need to do it carefully, through the processing of our trauma, and the improvement of our relationships among our multiple selves. It takes time, patience, and a lot of hard work.

In the same way that there are many differences between the internal worlds of different DID systems, there are also differences in the ways our internal worlds interact with the external world. In many DID systems, some parts can remember the internal world when they are"out" in the external world, and others can't. Some are aware that other alters exist within the same mind and body, and some aren't. In some DID systems, the link only works one way. They can remember the internal world when they are out, but they can't remember the external world when they are in, or vice versa. There are usually some kind of amnesia barriers between the internal and external worlds, and/or between parts in the system, to prevent us from being overwhelmed by it all while we are growing up. The type of severe trauma that causes DID, which often includes physical, sexual, or emotional abuse or neglect, or any possible combination of those, is overwhelming enough. There are usually a few alters, or sometimes just one, who know everything about the internal and external worlds, and use that knowledge to protect the others from knowing too much. After all, DID is a coping mechanism, which forms in order to help us survive the trauma any way we can.