Romanogers - Oneshots

Love is for children

For the purposes of this chapter, Bucky survived the Snap.

It's just sex. That's what they tell themselves. They also tell themselves that they don't need to tell themselves, and reprimand themselves for doing so, but then it gets too deep so they stop there.

It's just something to take their mind off the crushing feeling of grief that hounds them, and everybody else, day and night. They're sick of feeling numb. That's what they told each other, the first time. They're sick of the constant pull of loss in the pit of their stomach, they wish it would go away, they wish it would end, just for a second.

Everybody has their way of pain management. Everyone knows that Steve and Natasha's is through a physical relationship. And people ignore it, for the most part. It's none of their business, they can do what they like. Who are they to judge. They let them get on with it. They seem, if not happy, satisfied. They have a routine, or at least something to rely on. And it works, which is more than most of them can say about their methods.

The problems arise when it's not 'just sex' anymore. When they become more to each other, when the feelings start to develop. When they start to become everything to each other. That's when it become dangerous.

Right about...now. Natasha thinks as Steve slams her against the wall in the corridor of the sleeping quarters. He kisses her hard, bruising her lips with desire. His fingers fumble with the zip and button on her jeans as she clicks the handle and pushes the door in. She walks backward, kissing him all the while, and soon they crash into the wall in the other side of the room. Natasha smiles into the kiss. It's perfect.

The next morning, the remaining compound dwellers stand in the kitchen, going about the normal business of breakfast in an empty silence. It's not comfortable, nor awkward. Just empty. No one fills the void; there's no need. They each go about their own business, almost as if they're alone. Empty.

Steve stands behind Natasha as she lathers peanut butter on a slice of bread. Steve swears she lives on the stuff. Unhealthy really, the amount of peanut butter she consumes.
His torso presses into her back and she relaxes into the familiar shape of his body as his arms wrap around her waist from behind, chin resting lightly on her shoulder, occasionally tilting to kiss her neck, eliciting a tiny giggle, or just a warm beam that tugs at the corners of her mouth persistently.
Once the bread is loaded enough to kill an allergic ten times over, another slice is slapped on top of it. They chuckle together as Steve leans over her shoulder to catch a bite before it reaches her lips, feeling the vibrations of the other's laughter against their own body.

She turns round so she's facing him, back pressed against the counter, now torso to torso. They look at each other for a few second, Natasha's head tilted up as he gazes down at her, losing themselves in the other's eyes, eyes of deep, passionate colours. Hers are the dapple of sunbeams on emerald leaves, green flecked with gold. His are the sea on a perfect day, a secluded lagoon as the sun bakes the azure water, ripples of emotion occasionally breaking the surface.

He kisses her lightly once, until she pulls him back for another, her hands curled into fists on the soft cotton of his t-shirt as he responds immediately, wrapping his arms tighter around her waist and back, pulling her closer.

It shouldn't feel this good, Natasha thinks. I should be bored by now. They never last this long. Why aren't I bored?

They carry on like that until Tony coughs loudly from his stool behind the breakfast bar. "Honestly, can you two keep your hands off each other for five minutes?"
She rolls her eyes in annoyance and Steve flushes.
"Don't get me wrong, as much as I'm loving this whole display," He gestures towards them. "can we try and keep it family friendly while I finish my cereal?"

They huff but comply, and disengage just as a beep comes from Steve's phone. He checks it and sighs. Natasha's expression asks what's wrong, even if her mouth doesn't. He sees and answers her look.
"It's someone from the support group, I have to go."

She nods in understanding. He kisses her one last time before grabbing his jacket and heading out of the room. She leans back against the counter and takes another bite of her sandwich, ignoring the pull of pain as she surveys the rest of the room and all its empty chairs. Tony gets up, his cereal finally finished. He dumps his bowl in the sink and retreats to God knows where, but probably wherever Pepper is.

Bucky, who had previously been slouched on the sofa in silence, reading a newspaper, walks over to Natasha and leans against the breakfast bar arms crossed, watching her. She says nothing, just carries on munching her sandwich, waiting for him to speak.

"Do you love him?" His voice cuts suddenly through the silence. Her head snaps up suddenly to look at him, face awash with surprise. She struggles to regain her composure.
"Love is for children." She stammers.
Her head is spinning. Do you love him? A blush brightens her cheeks and her pulse picks up; she feels rather panicked. Do you love him? She remembers every moment with him, every laugh, every kiss. Her heart screams yes, but her head quells it. No way can she love Steve Rogers. It's not allowed. It's the one thing she told herself she wasn't allowed to do. Anyway, times like these are no place for romance.

"He loves you." Bucky counters, gaze unwavering.
"He loves my body. There's a difference." She deflects, with more conviction this time.
He rolls his eyes. "You and I both know that's not the whole story. Steve could never be that shallow."
"He's allowed to have some weaknesses."
"Look, he may say he's completely on the 'friends with benefits' track, but he's not. I can see it. He's in love with you, falling deeper every day. And I'm scared you two are driving on very separate roads, and when they collide, it will be disastrous."
She struggles to form an answer. She does love Steve, she knows she does, no matter how hard she pushes it away, but she can't. It terrifies her, and she's not allowed to. She knows she can't give him what Bucky says he wants. She doesn't want to lose him, but she doesn't want to hurt him either. Stuck between a rock and a hard place.
"How poetic."
"I'm just saying, you need to make up your mind and tell him straight, soon. Don't taunt him. Don't leave him on the edge. Either pull him back, or dive with him." With that, he strolls out of the room, leaving Natasha, for once, speechless.

She puts her head in her hands, and rakes fingers through her hair.

Well thanks, Lord moral-high-ground, for making this a whole lot more complicated. But then again, that seems to be a habit of yours.

Through the storm inside her head, and though she attempts to quash it, one thought, one strand of hope pushes through to the front, a light in darkness, an angel amongst demons.

Maybe it's okay to be a child every once in a while.

The ending is rubbish oh well