Dancing Through It All - Joe and Dianne

Chapter 12 ~ The First Session

Dianne's POV
My feet were tapping anxiously on the stool I perched myself on as my mind raced, it was only Tuesday, and fortunately the dance was all good, but today was the day I was going to speak to the Strictly Councillor. Anxious. Scared. Dread had already filled me, but the only reason I agreed to see this person was frankly to keep the others quiet and at ease. I had already found myself not caring much over the last two days, I mean yeah, it's hurting me to see them treat me different and watching me like a hawk but at the same time I'm relieved that I don't have to put the untimely effort into hiding everything, well, for now.

"How are you feeling," asked Amy tentatively whilst she made her way over to the toaster, me observing the extra slice she put in for me, knowing I hadn't eaten yet. "Good, just nervous." She sighed before replying "don't be it'll be fine, maybe it could help." "I suppose but I don't like it though Amy." She seem confused by my newfound voice this morning, something that had been absence in the last two days. She turned around passing me a plate, taking the seat next to me. "What don't you like?" "You don't have to treat me, different, you know. It's not just you it's Joe, and Kevin. I mean I can't say I haven't been acting differently but it was a bad time for me with you know who and I guess I didn't give myself time to process it. I'm seeing the councillor today, and that'll clear my mind. But please I'm fine and I just want you to all treat me normally again it's like you're all scared that I'm going to break." At this point I caved, tears rolling down my face as I buried my head in my hands, an all too familiar feeling. I made no attempt to stop them but I acknowledged the comforting hand of Amy as she provided me with reassurance. "Oh Di, I'm sorry I really am. We are all worried about you, and I guess we were so caught up in everything that we acted differently towards you. I can't say we won't worry about you but I'll make sure we stop being so apprehensive around you" I lifted my head before towards her, shooting a smile of gratitude.

"Right, you, eat your toast, please." Reluctantly I agreed, keeping it down for now, knowing that would change later on. It was around 8:30 when we left the house and headed towards the studio. Pro rehearsals were from 10:00 till 2:00 and my session was at 9:00 so my anxiety was running high. Luckily, Amy had agreed to drive me there so she could be there for me when I'm done. I turned my head, adjusting my gaze to outside as I saw the myriad of buildings pass by as we neared the studio complex for the day. I deeply inhaled as I mentally prepared myself for the task of hand, it was confidential so deep down I hoped I could let it all out. Slowly but surely, I made my way up to the office which was conveniently opposite the studio where we were rehearsing. It has seemed as though Kevin was early so him and Amy headed in, having given me words of reassurance.

Strictly Councillor (let's call her Milly)

Milly: Hi, nice to meet you, you must be Dianne.

Dianne: Yep, that's me.

Milly: My name's Milly and today I'm all ears, okay?

I sat in the chair anxiously not knowing where to begin.

Dianne: There's quite a lot to be honest but I'll try my best. I'm on antidepressants obviously for depression and I have high functioning anxiety. Nobody knows about that. I've been struggling for a while, but to everyone else I'm just loud and quirky. Not long ago, I came out of an abusive relationship with mental and physical abuse that I'd rather not reminisce about. I just don't know how I can continue to hide everything anymore, my friends already suspect something and now they probably even know something I've been struggling with for years.

Milly: Do you mind me asking what that is?

Dianne: Um, self harm. No one previously knew but now three of my friends do, but I brushed it off as a one time thing.

Milly: Okay, what self harm is it?

Dianne: Cutting.

Milly: Do you take care of you wounds, and where do you normally do it?

Dianne: Yeah, that's always my first priority. Arms, stomach and legs.

Milly: Dianne, this is a safe place okay? I'm not judging you and I'm glad that you have told me this. Now I have a few resources that will help with self-harm, anxiety and dealing with domestic abuse. If you ever feel yourself really low, use these techniques, and next time you come we can create a plan. Now, you're obviously a dancer so is that your escape.

Dianne: I don't feel lost when I dance, it gives me life, but at the moment it's difficult.

Milly: In what way?

Dianne: I hate the way I look, and tight costumes put me on edge. It also getting extremely difficult to hide my cuts and scars which brings me into a vicious cycle.

Milly: I'm going to suggest something you won't like but from now on don't cover them up. I know it sounds daunting but it will give you a motive to stop so people don't notice. Now, people may see them but it will be something they're likely to understand.

Dianne: Yeah, I've never thought about it like that.

Milly: Now, when Amy approached me she mentioned something about you not eating, and immediately going to the bathroom when you do.

Dianne: I thought not eating is a better alternative to cutting. It makes me feel in control. At first I just didn't eat but when others got suspicious I started eating but I make myself sick afterwards.

Milly: Right, it sounds to me as though it's anorexia nervosa with bulimic characteristics. This is a hard one, and this is going to take time. Now is there still times in the day when you do eat and not throw up?

Dianne: Yeah, I've been having a slice of toast in the morning and I do not make myself sick afterwards.

Milly: The last thing I want to do is give you load of things to juggle. Right now focus on the self harm and dealing with abuse and when you are in a better frame of mind I will suggest pathways to help with eating. The fact that you have the control over not being sick in the morning will help you when you have lunch. Or even eat little and often if it's the daunting factor of a big meal, just to keep yourself up.

Dianne: Yeah, thank you all this, and I'm sorry for bothering you.

Milly: We will get through this Dianne and I will be here to help you every step of the way.

As I left the room everything hit me like a bullet, and I fell to the ground, as my breathing became constricting and my tears fell angrily down my face. My arms were shaking uncontrollably and I could feel the walls caving in. My head had taken residence in my palms once again as I rocked back and forth in the corridor. Alone, and broken. I heard a door slam, making me jolt, I apprehensively looked up to see Kevin and Amy head towards me, concern etched on their faces.

With the help of my best friends, ten minutes later I was almost back to normal, however, the lack of energy had worn me out. Kevin and Amy must have noticed as Kevin offered to carry me into the studio. "I'm too heavy though." Amy was quick to shoot that down "Di, we all know if anything's it totally the opposite, okay?" Nonetheless, Kevin scooped me up bridal style, taking me into the corner. "Stay with Amy and don't move." He ordered whilst he made his way to the choreographer. The group dance had already been learnt so it was more so making sure it was clean and sorting out spacing.

*Time Skip to end of pro rehearsal*

I felt as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, for now, but all I needed was to get home and sleep. Luckily Amy had the same idea so we headed home picking up Nando's on the way before retreating in the living room watching Netflix. I mean only throwing up once is an improvement, right?