Seidou isn't sure if he loves Houji, romantically. But he isn't oblivious or stupid, no matter how delusional he might be, and he can see the looks the other throws his way. Fortunately Houji's apartment hadn't been destroyed when Dragon rampaged through the streets of Tokyo and now that he too lives here they spend a lot of time together.
Maybe he really does love Houji but he knows all too well how easy he falls into the pattern of pleasing others. He wouldn't say he loves Houji, not in a way that he doesn't love Akira or Amon. But Akira's eyes doesn't light up when he offers her a tired smile (she turns her eyes down guiltily) and Amon wouldn't look like his day had been made if Seidou pulled him down into a kiss by his tie.
He is scared. It's silly to admit but he's scared of the darkness and loneliness. He's scared of having no purpose. So he washes the dishes and cleans the windows and makes their appartement spotless and offers Houji the best smile he can and keeps smiling until the man turns away.
Houji knows too, maybe. He knows there is skeletons in their two-metre tall hardwood closet, skeletons that Seidou dragged with him when he moved in. They hadn't actually talked after Rushima, hadn't said anything of significance. They had tried to kill their problems and the bullets had been the tense silence between them at night, when Seidou kept his breath even and pretended to sleep.
He can tell that Houji is scared too. He can't tell why. It makes him uneasy too, because in this three room apartment world Houji is the only other inhabitant.
What Seidou is doing might be cruel, might be selfish. It might be cruel to place his arms around the neck of this man, might be selfish to lean into his chest and lie so boldly. At least it makes him feel cruel and selfish when Houji practically melts into his dishonest embrace. But he's so scared, so absolutely terrified of being left alone that the sharp guilt cutting into his skin feels more like tiny thorns (he never does realise that the wounds from a thousand thorns are enough to cause him to bleed out).
Houji is kind, and gentle and he would never hurt Seidou on purpose. Would never touch him this way if he knew that his feelings weren't required in full. He would distance his lips from Seidou's neck to apologise profusely, instead of telling him how good he looks sprawled on the black sofa.
Seidou can't understand why anyone would think he looks good, with his paper thin skin stretched over protruding bones. He can't bear the thought of being undressed in front of anyone so when Houji unbuttons his shirt he tenses, suddenly more nervous than he has any right to be. He tugs on the now-still fingers, telling the man above him to continue.
Houji is kind, kind enough for the both of them. Houji loves him, loves him enough for the both of them. Seidou already has all of this strange kindness and love and he doesn't have the right to anymore emotions when he knows they would all be negative. When he knows how it would affect Houji. He shouldn't have the right to feelings. Doesn't. Shouldn't. Doesn't. Shouldn't.
So he covers his face with his hands and lets out tiny moans and whimpers. Let Houji do whatever he wants and the man keeps asking if this is okay, if it hurts, what about this and with each sincere question a knife twists into Seidou's heart because he knows. Knows that even if it wasn't okay he wouldn't dare to voice his concerns, too scared to be left behind and deemed 'not good enough' again. He nods out of breath, pulls Houji into a kiss and asks him to go faster- he doesn't know how much of it he really means.
Afterwards, Houji fusses again. Seidou say that it is okay, it is okay time and time again and for once even the tense silence between them whenever they both happen to be in the kitchen at the same time would be welcome. When he never stops Seidou kisses him again, in a shut-up kind of way and it tastes like salty tears and aching guilt (he doesn't understand that the reason for Houji's incessant questions is his own expression. Houji never understands why, but Seidou looks so sad and he assumes it is his fault).
Seidou is sure that he doesn't love Houji, romantically. But he loves how Houji loves him, and sometimes that is enough (sometimes it isn't).
