Rebel Red Carnation {Kiribaku}

XII

I'm so fucking blindsided by what I've done that I can't figure out how to break out of it, how to control my body and make it let go of him, make it turn and high tail it right the fuck back home so I don't have to deal with the consequences of the snap decision—if it can even be called that at this point. Regardless, the prince relaxes and... and then he fucking reciprocates it. His hands are tender, warm, steady as they hold my waist, and that sweet, masculine scent still clings to him—probably the polar opposite of how I smell.

Of all things, that's what gets me to jerk backwards, half-stumbling and dizzy as I go. Again I need his help not to fall on my ass.

"...fuck," I mutter, shaking my head.

"It's okay," Eijirou says, a little shaky himself, as if my curse was some sort of apology. "I'm actually... kinda glad you did that. Just in case, I mean."

"What? You're the one who's so fucking certain he's coming back!" I snap.

"Oh, I am," he states confidently.

"Then what the fuck?!"

He's shaking his head now. "Nothin'. Just wait for me, alright?"

As much as I want to flip him the fuck off and march back home, I don't, and I let him squeeze my hand. Even accept the twenty dollar bill he hands over, telling me to get something extra to eat, and to hold tight. Before he finally does turn his back to me and start walking away, he tells me to hurry home before it starts to snow, and then, with the final squeeze of my hand, his fingers slip away and I'm watching his back fade into the distance down the road until I can no longer see it.

———

The first snow comes three days later, blanketing the whole damn town in several centimeters of its white, wet, cold bullshit. A few decrepit roofs give out under its weight, and unfortunately one buries someone. It was an elderly woman, someone who was likely on her deathbed angway. Still, it shakes us, knowing that nowhere is safe. Outside you run the risk of freezing to death. Inside may shield you from the cold of the wind and the air itself but poses the risk of being buried under these unmaintained buildings.

Eijirou's supplies only spread so far. I give Ochako the last sweater in the sack, and tell her to ration out the rest of those dried apricots. The money he gave me fed the people closest to me—the ones on my street—for only a few days after I spent it at that fast food shop. Recognizing me, the manager provided another small bucket of their oil to keep our lanterns going and therefore keep us warmer during the colder nights.

I end up distributing the rest of the bandages and peroxide to people who need it more than me once I let Ochako rewrap me. My wounds have stopped bleeding and she says it doesn't look like there's any sign of infection, so as long as I keep them covered I should be fine.

My mother keeps tabs on my fever, but it's needless—it went away the afternoon Eijirou left. She's only asked about him once or twice, and I manufacture lies about how he's probably doing the same thing we are—trying to stay alive in the cold. She accepts it, and doesn't ask any more questions.

Eventually the cold starts to let up and the snow begins to melt, fading back into the dreary but warmer, more autumn-like days. It takes over a week for all of the snow to be gone, though, and though it's still cold, things are easier.

Easier, sure, but I can't deny the knot I have in my stomach that seems to grow tighter and tighter every day without a sign of that damned prince. As much as it annoys me, he's on my mind as often—if not more—as trying to figure out where my next meal is coming from. In the quiet, ear-searing hours of the night while my mother is sound asleep beside me, my thoughts stray all the way back to the stupid, shitty capital and palace where, supposedly, he's trying to talk his uptight family into helping us.