Angel of the Void

Chapter Fifteen

I do not get to put Levi in his place. I do not get to set him straight - you can't just follow me to work whenever you feel like it, actually you can't follow me to work ever - because the second I open my mouth he says, loud enough for all of my co-workers to hear, "We need to talk. Outside."

Oh, how the grapevine will love this. Feebly, I say, "I can't right now, Levi" as if it will make him drop the subject, but I can sense that this is an argument that I am going to lose. It has something to do with the pinched way he's holding his mouth, with the way his feet keep shuffling two inches in every direction.

"Now." His face is bright red and he's shifting like a bull in the ring and every eye is on us. Even the captain has stepped out of his office, and he's observing the situation with the carefully practiced eye of a Domestic Violence detective. It makes me antsy. Right now has that aura of the moment of truth and there is an electricity in the air that lets me know to choose my reaction carefully. There is a right way and a wrong way to do this. I just don't know the difference. 

Kicked off the squad, McMurphy, if you can't do it right... "Okay. Okay. But it has to be fast. I'm working - "

"Let me guess. You're in the middle of a case, yeah?"

At any second Moran is going to step in, or Vince. I don't know which would be worse, but both would make me look like a victim - Levi pulls off the "abusive boyfriend" look rather well - and my job is hard enough as it is. I can't afford to look vulnerable. "Let's. Go." I say, squaring my shoulders and widening my stance. "You want to talk outside, then let's go." And before he can say something else I spin briskly on my heel, pushing the door open without looking at anyone, without even really breathing. Right now I'm terrified - he's here why is he here what did I do how do I make it stop why God, why - and I am doing my best to look pissed, but in a room full of people who deal with liars every day, I doubt a single one of them bought my act.

Levi is hot on my heels and he catches me on the first floor, right before I can get out onto the street. "Your mom called," he growls, hauling me off to the side. We're in a small, cramped hallway that, if we go just a bit further, houses the restrooms and several storage boxes.

"She did."

"Several times, apparently."

"And this has your panties in a knot."

I am walking on thin ice. Levi's nostrils flare and his hands are clenching restlessly. "Do you know why she's called? Why she's left twenty six messages just this month?" Out of nowhere he slams his fist into the wall, just inches from my ear, and I flinch away. He knows I know why my mother called. She's mentioned it at least once on every message, and I've listened to them all.

He's not upset because I'm a fucked up sociopath that doesn't seem to give a shit about my family. He's upset because, in the three days that he's been home, I didn't get around to telling him. "Yes."

"You didn't think to tell me in any of your letters? It didn't cross your mind - not once - to tell me that 'oh, yeah, Levi, my dad has brain cancer'? Jesus, Grace."

"To be fair - "

"Don't start." Levi rolls his eyes and for some reason it coaxes this poisonous slime from the pit of my stomach and my body is tearing itself into pieces to keep from knocking his teeth out. "Don't play the 'not my real family' card. They loved you, they took care of you."

A card. He thinks it's a card. I laugh. "No, they watched me. To make sure that I didn't kill them all in their sleep at night. They didn't love me at all. They were scared of me."

Levi slumps, and he's wrangled himself back into his pristine, untouchable avatar. He touches his forehead to mine - don't, Grace, don't you dare blink. Don't let him win, not now - and when he speaks, he doesn't sound furious or tired or sad. Instead he is perfectly neutral, his tone painfully monotonous. "If they are what fear looks like," he tells me, "the world would be a much better place." Then, slowly, he straightens up, says we can talk later, thanks for your time and I'll see you at home.

It's not until I'm sitting back at my desk, pretending that nothing happened, that the universe tilts out from under me.

Levi thinks he's home.