The Suicide Notes || A.I AU

Note III

" Dear Myself,

I don't know what's going on with me. The cuts are getting deeper. There're new ones each day. My mom found out. She's sending me to a therapist. I told her it wouldn't work but she wouldn't have it. She didn't want me ending up like her dead friend. Just seeing the scars made her remember about those terrible times. That made me want to stop. But I'm too stubborn. I want to this. It takes the pain away. Or at least that's what I tell myself. Sometimes the pain comes back and stronger. I don't want to feel this pain much longer. But I don't want to end it. At least not yet. My family cares. If I leave then who will be Harry's male role model?

Ever since dad left I've had to be there for him. It's hard sometimes because I need a male role model too. It feels as if sometimes the weight of this family is put on me. I have to go to school, then to work, then try to hang out with my best friend, practice on my talent, and be a father figure. All while being depressed.

Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I be non-depressed or non-suicidal? Why did life have to take this road? How am I alive, even though it feels like I'm not breathing at all? When will all of this go away? "

~ Jenelle's P.O.V

Poor Ash. He thought it'd go away so simply. I wish it would've for him. He didn't deserve to feel like that. He was the most caring and generous person I knew. Back to the times when I was like him, he'd draw little butterflies on my cuts.

When I said I wanted to become an actress everyone doubted me except him. He cheered me on and said he'd be my biggest fan. He gave me hope in everything I did. Every time I had an audition I would remember what he said to me. " Feel the passion run through your veins and hold onto it " . Even when he couldn't come with me to an audition it would feel as if he was cheering me on where ever he was.

"Dammit Irwin! Why did you have to do it?! Can't you see how lost I am without you?! You could've taken me with you! It would've made this pain so much easier!" I shouted as fresh tears ran down my face.

"Couldn't you see how much I loved you?"  I whispered.

____

Seriously why did I start this book? All it's doing is making me cry.

❤️ Kassidy