Daron's Guitar Chronicles Volume 12

1038 Make You a Believer

"One time pinned you to the bottom of the pool and you almost drowned," she said.

My memory of it was pretty different. I mean, first of all you can't really "pin" someone to the bottom of the pool. Second of all, I was probably letting him do it. Adam was one of the boys who wore a Speedo instead of swim trunks, which I appreciated, even at age 12 or so. "Adam wasn't a bully."

"You were under the water and you couldn't hear what the other boys were calling you." She folded her arms like that was irrefutable evidence. "Or what they were telling him to do to you."

"And I'm sure Adam couldn't hear it either, since we were three feet under." Did she really think she'd rescued me? Would things have gotten out of hand? With a lifeguard right there? Or would it have escalated in the locker room? Don't get me wrong. I was bullied at times. I just wasn't convinced this was one of them. The men's room at the Y had a group shower. I might have been more upset at having to leave early and missing showering with Adam than I was about any potential drowning. Which was definitely not what I'd call a healthy mentality, but it still wasn't like my life was in danger.

But I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. Remember, we were still trying to keep our voices down. "You never told me they wanted to kill me."

"Kill wasn't the word they used."

"Whatever. Thanks for looking out for me, but all I knew at the time was that you were bossing me around."

"So, what, you wanted me to tell you I was doing it for your own good? That would've gone over great, I'm sure." Her whisper made her sarcasm sharp.

"No, but you could've said something. You feel underappreciated? How'm I supposed to appreciate what you did when I didn't even know?"

"Well, you know now."

"Yeah. And are you going to tell Landon things ten or twenty years later and expect that's going to fix everything?"

"No. I told you." She rolled her eyes. "I'm just spitting it all out. Everything. All the time. Just like you."

Part of me wanted to say something shockingly honest then, to prove I really wasn't saying everything. But that would have undermined the point. Plus I couldn't really think of anything to say. Instead, I asked a question. "Are you worried that getting bullied me made me gay or something?"

"Jeez, no. Where the hell did you get that idea?"

I shrugged. It was just a guess–a bad guess.

"We were worried it was the other way around. What with Dad going on about not to be too soft on you."

"What?" I wasn't really asking her to repeat herself. That was my brain not being able to swallow the information in one gulp. "When did he say that?"

"All the time. You don't remember that?"

I rifled through my memory. "I guess... at the time... I didn't really hear it that way. I just took all the 'be a man' shit in stride."

"Yeah, yeah. And you probably didn't hear what he was telling me and Lilibeth–and Mom–when you couldn't hear." She shook her head, then looked up suddenly. "Wait. But are you saying that... me and Lilibeth bullying you is what made you gay?"

It was so hard to keep my voice down, but I did. "Fuck no! Nothing made me gay, Janine. Me being gay has nothing to do with you."

"Okay, just checking. The brutal honesty thing is aptly named." Again the heavy sigh. "But it works. I'm done carrying everyone's emotional baggage. Yours, hers, everyone's."

"Great. I'm happy for you." I really was, if it were true. "The thing is, isn't it your own baggage you need to drop?"

"That's what I'm here to do, stupid!" Another sigh. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to call you that. Something about you brings out my dumb teenage habits."

"Takes a bully to know a bully, I guess." I can't believe I said that, but I did.

She was red-faced and angry, then, but her words were contrite. "Yeah, I guess. Look, I've apologized for treating you like shit when we were kids, and I'm apologizing again. Me and Lili both did, I know, and I take responsibility for my part in it. I want my kid to grow up better than that. That means I have to be a better person. I'm trying, okay? I had shitty role models, but I'm trying."

"And I appreciate it. Apology accepted." Out of reflex I stuck out my hand and she shook it. "I'm trying to be a better person, too."

"The fucked up thing is you know Mom was trying to make herself a better person when she got into religion."

"Yeah, Courtney says the same thing."

"Here's my beef with religion. It lets people believe that they are 'good people' because they're following a bunch of rules, when actually they're still being shitty to the people around them."

"You still going to church?"

"I am. But–"

Claire yawned then, a dry sound, and I wondered how much of the conversation she might have heard. It was one hundred percent in her playbook to pretend to be asleep and we all knew it. I hadn't said anything I'd regret her hearing. I wondered if Janine felt the same. 

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(Can you tell this was during the moment in the music industry when the Black Crowes had broken out? And all of a sudden raspy-voiced, rootsy blues-rock–which had never gone away but which hadn't charted for well over a decade–was suddenly a hot property again? In my opinion Sass Jordan should have been even bigger than she was, but that moment came and went. -d)