𝐩𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐬 ( queliot )

002. the funeral

The day of Quentin's (second) funeral, Eliot had no idea what to wear. Luckily, he had Margo to help him. Because of how much horse shit the monster had been eating, Eliot hadn't been able to wear many of his clothes. However, because of how little Eliot had been eating, he fit into a few. Margo decided on a pair of black jeans, the black coat that Eliot had worn to Quentin's memorial, and the button down shirt he had worn when he first went to past Fillory on the quest with Quentin. Eliot would have told her to put it back, but he couldn't bring himself to. Somehow, it was kind of poetic. Wearing the shirt that he had started an entire life with Quentin in to the funeral where he would start the rest of his life without him. Somehow.

Eliot wonder, briefly, while driving on the way to the funeral with Julia how his own family would act if he had died when Margo stabbed him with her axes. Would they even hold a funeral for him? Would they regret all they did to him and all they said? Would they throw his body to the fields to use as fertilizer? The thought of that wretched place being his final resting place made Eliot feel sicker than he already felt. But then a slightly reassuring thought popped into his head. Margo would never let his parents take his body, she'd fight tooth and nail against them. It made him smile, just a little, a small quirk of his lips. They pulled up to the graveyard, silently. Julia, clad in a black dress and heels, softly smiled in reassurance at Eliot. He was thankful for it.

Quentin's family was surrounded around a casket in the center of a graveyard and several empty plots of land, ones reserves for what should have been for Quentin's wife and one for his mother, and several for his siblings. There was already one headstone by the plots. However, Eliot had no idea whose it was. But, as they approached the casket, Eliot was able to make out the words.

THEODORE "TED" COLDWATER

The gravestone read. Eliot felt a pang in his chest reading the name because it was also his-their son's name. Their son from another life who is probably not even alive. God, everything just seemed to remind him of Quentin. The songs on the radio, his closet, and, hell, even looking at a book made him think of Quentin.

Eliot hadn't noticed he stopped walking as soon as he saw the name on the grave before Julia gently placed her hand on the back of his arm, nodding as a way of asking if he was okay. Eliot only managed to give her a small quirk of his lips in response. He couldn't nod. He wasn't okay, but if he shook his head then Julia might just give him that look of pity. That sympathy look that he hated so much. It was the same as when some people found out he grew up on a farm in Indiana with a homophobic family. That goddamn pity look that he got in the hospital, from Todd, from Penny, from Kady, and even from Margo, who knew how much he loathed that look.

Quentin's mother approached them halfway, holding a handkerchief to blot at her eyes with. It was stained grey from mascara. She gave Julia a watery smile, but Eliot received a questioning look.

"Julia," she started, hugging the woman standing next to Eliot. "I'm so glad you can make it."

Julia nodded, pulling back. "Of course, he was my best friend."

Quentin's mother pursed her lips as she began to tear up more before sniffling and composing herself, turning to Eliot.

"Who's this?" She asked, trying to be polite despite not knowing who the stranger was that showed up at her son's funeral.

"This is Eliot," Julia spoke for him. "He's Quentin's friend, they were really close."

The word "friend" almost made Eliot grimace because he knew he was so much more than that to Quentin. He was a lover and he was a love. But Eliot, pushing back his tears and anger, gave Quentin's mother a small smile.

"Hi," he said, voice slightly croaking. "I hope you don't mind me coming, he helped me through so much."

Quentin's mother nodded to him in greeting, saying, "Of course I don't," before spinning on her heeling and leading them to where they would be burying Quentin.

The casket was open, that was the first thing that Eliot noticed. His body was in there-the artificial one they made out of magic to feel real and look real for a cover story Brakebills made up, a shooting at the college and how Quentin sacrificed himself to save his peers. It was close enough to the real story of how Quentin sacrificed himself to save the world, Eliot guessed.

His hair was brushed out of his face, and he was paler than normal. He was in a black suit. Eliot thought it should have been grey because wearing a grey suit, no matter how ugly it was, would be more Quentin. His hair looked so real, Eliot wanted to touch it, brush it behind his ears like Quentin had done so many times. He leaned on his cane, digging a pitch black, silk handkerchief out of his coat pocket, wiping away the tears on his cheek he didn't know were falling.

Quentin's mother stepped up in front of the casket after the people had cleared back, wiping her own eyes before speaking.

"Thank you all for coming," she started. "We are here today in memory of Quentin Coldwater, my son, who gave his life to save his classmates. He was a hero," she pursed her lips, tearing rolling out of her eyes. "And he deserved so much more of a life than he got. His loss is one I don't think I can take anymore because of Ted..." she became hysterical and someone had to pull her away from in front of everybody.

Someone of Quentin's family stepped up, placing a flower on his relative's body, reminiscing over times long forgotten from holidays. Eventually, he turned to the group of people who had come. "Would anyone like to say anything?"

Eliot hesitantly raised his hand. At the man's nod, he limped up, putting a majority of his weight on his cane.

"I'm Eliot," he began, pushing back tears as best as he could. "I met Quentin at college, I was the one who gave him the tour. I had no idea how much he would mean to me, how close we would become," he inhaled shakily, "He told me about how much he loved the series Fillory and Further, and how it saved him. He said that, deep down, he wanted to be the hero of a story, and he finally got that chance. And I know what he would say if he could, 'have I done something brave to save my friends, or have I finally found a way to kill myself?'"

Eliot turned around, looking at fake Quentin in the coffin. "Q, you did something brave because you are so amazingly kind and would save anyone because that's the person that you are, Q. You're a hero."

Eliot now had tears streaming down his cheeks, turning back to face the other people there, who were all nodding at what he said. Julia walked up next to praise her friend's name with her own tears, but Eliot couldn't pay attention anymore. Standing in the back, crying, heart wrenching in his chest as the service continued until they finally closed the casket and lowered him into the ground.

The drive back to Brakebills was silent except for the radio. Eliot was too sober for the funeral, but he felt good because he hadn't drank in two whole days, he felt good physically despite his injury. Eliot leaned his head on the window of the car, listing to another song come to an end. Wonderland by Taylor Swift came on. Out of his peripheral vision, Eliot saw Julia reach to change it. Eliot's own hand shot out of its own accord, blocking the controls. Luckily, Julia got the message and went back to driving.

Eliot saw his memories rather than the street. Him meeting Quentin on the first day, how carefree he was then. Quentin smiling at him after coming back from almost being expelled. He remembered the hurt he felt when Quentin came back from Brakebills South with Alice. Eliot saw their first year together in Fillory, how Quentin rushed and kissed him when he was buzzed on wine and what that night lead to. He remembered how Quentin married him after Arielle's death. How they raised Ted. They pretended it could last forever, and, in a way, it did.

When he came out of his song-induced visions, Eliot realized his cheeks were cold, damp with more tears. Eliot didn't know how he could go on without his Q. He was lost in the dark without Quentin. He felt hopeless, and that feeling of being alone and not having any future was taking over him. And Eliot was afraid of what would happen when it finally did.