That Spot

Any Suggestions?

What do you suggest I do? Because you see I’m confused and I’m afraid. I’m not going to lie. I want to be big and bad and not give a flip, but that’s not who I am. I keep trying in everything. I try in A&P, but I fail. I try in Organic Chemistry and I fall there too. But, that can easily be solved right? Study harder. Get close to my teachers. What about relationships? Yeah, there I’m most definitely getting disgusted with myself for trying.

          I’m only 19 years old and I feel like I’ve been through it all. The scary thing is I know that there is so much more out there to try and break me down. I pray I’m strong enough to withstand. I’m not the bright light wishing to be seen. I like to think of myself as Miss Sweet Evangeline from Princess and the Frog. I don’t shine so that other people may see me and acknowledge me. I shine by being myself and giving other people hope and spreading the little love that I have. And I know that my love may not be much or what you want, but it’s all I can give. It’s more than I give myself. Can’t you feel it? I don’t care if you see it, I just wonder if you feel it?

          I just want to be loved. I’m not picky. We don’t have to do a 20-80, 50-50 or 60-40. I just want what you can give me and hopefully we can increase from there. I want to grow in love with someone. As you increase, I increase. If you grow stagnant and still, I’ll stop and help you through it. I just can’t promise that I’ll wait long. Not anymore. Not after what he put me through. Never again can I make it through that.

          I try to forget him as much as possible, but I feel as if he’s a part of my past that will be present in my future. My so called “friends” remind me of him. When I’m there, everything is sweet as Kool-Aid, but the minute I leave they turn as sour as a pickle. Back where I’m from, Starkville, MS, Kool-Aid pickles are the best. You have that sweet and bitter concoction at once. It’s amazing, but I don’t want it to be like that in my relationships. It’s confusing. Happy-Sad. Hating-Loving. Smiles-Frowns. It’s too much. Opposites don’t attract. All I pray for is for a person that will stand by me. If someone is talking about me, they won’t include themselves and join the fun, but stand up for me, for us. It’s not that I’ll do it or you because I already do. Although, because I know how it feels, I don’t do it for that reason. I do it because you may need someone to stand by you and I’ll always, I am always that person. That person fighting in your corner. Right-hooking the demons that you can’t see behind you. Kicking the ones down who are in front of you that you can’t tell are no good. Tripping the ones who are taller than me because ‘giants do fall.’

          But I quit. I’m done.

I’m not retiring because I want no reward for doing my job as a friend. I’m quitting because I want this to one day be a long-lost memory.