Leave Me Behind [Winter Soldier] III

Guilt [Chapter 2]

"Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do."

Voltaire

After the battle, the dead were collected and mourned. The wounded were being taken to Wakanda to heal, to be given the best treatment in all the world. Now that the secret was out, everyone knew what Wakanda -once known as a third world developing country- was capable of. Everyone was scattered about the field, the war zone that appeared so familiar to Bucky, who had seen so many of these in his long life.

War and Bucky were old friends.

People found their loved ones, reunited after five years of being gone. But Bucky didn't feel like he fit in there. He had watched as Clint Barton and Wanda embraced, he had watched from a distance as Pepper Pots said goodbye to Tony, he watched a few people wander around looking for someone from the past, someone who was dead and came back.

Bucky looked across the field at Steve. Battered and bruised, skin dark with dust and dirt. They would always be best friends, nothing would change that, but the dynamic was different. They were no longer the people they were even five years ago. And five years ago they were not the same people they were the last time they had seen each other - they could never go back to how things were before Captain America, before the war, before The Winter Soldier. Having lost so much over the course of their lifetime, they both understood what the other went through. And yet Bucky didn't feel right approaching Steve in the few hours after Tony Stark's death.

Knowing damn well that he was the reason they hadn't stopped Thanos, Bucky didn't want to create more problems. Had he not killed Howard and Maria Stark, Tony never would have wanted him dead. He never would have divided the Avengers - had the Avengers been a cohesive team, perhaps they could have stopped Thanos before the damage he caused was done. Bucky felt the guilt ruminate inside of him, fester and grow like weeds running through his veins.

"I have seen that look before," Wanda Maximoff approached Bucky, her accent like a melody or a lullaby amongst all this carnage. It was so similar to O's it made his heart break. "When I look in the mirror."

Bucky offered her a small smile that didn't reach his eyes. "You almost single-handedly stopped Thanos. Both times."

"Yes, but I'm the one who put the idea of Ultron in Tony's head. I'm the one who helped Ultron desecrate my home city. Because of that, my brother died. Because of my mistakes in Nigeria all those years ago, I created a divide between Tony and Steve. A lot of it is my fault, and I can either take all that blame and let it build up or accept it and move on. We all make mistakes, at least for most of yours, you didn't have control," she told him, placing her hand on his forearm and squeezing ever so slightly. "You can't let guilt guide you, you have to forgive yourself."

"Have you?"

"Yes," she said. The firmness in her voice told Bucky that it was the truth. She was so much like Ophelia, in the way she understood things like accepting the way things were.

Perhaps in time Bucky could forgive himself for who he was as the Winter Soldier. Perhaps in time he could forgive himself for not letting Tony kill him in that Siberian base. But even if Tony succeeded, it still would have caused a break between Tony and Steve. 

No matter the outcome of that day, two things would remain the same; Steve and Tony would not have been on the same page, and Ophelia would still be dead.

Wanda looked over the desecrated field. "I think he is here for you."

Bucky glanced in the direction Wanda was looking and saw three familiar faces headed his way. King T'Challa, Shuri and Okoye. They walked with such grace over the warped earth, not looking down and yet knowing exactly where their feet should fall. In the time he spent in Wakanda, though Bucky spent much of it alone for which he was thankful for, he had come to love those who once wanted him dead. T'Challa and Bucky had not started off on the right foot, but the understanding that developed between them had been strong. Especially when Bucky suffered through coping with Ophelia's death, T'Challa had come through like a true king.

"White Wolf," T'Challa announced, "I understand if you wish to go with Steve, but know you are always welcome to remain in Wakanda."

Bucky smiled at T'Challa, nodding gratefully. "I'm not sure what I will do from here... Can I hold on to that offer?"

T'Challa nodded. "We will be attending Tony Stark's service; we hope you will come."

"And by 'we' he means all of us," Steve said from behind Bucky.

Turning, Bucky saw Steve - they had yet to speak to each other since Bucky returned from the dead. Tilting his head to the side ever so slightly, Bucky couldn't repress a smile as Steve raised his arms to embrace him. The hug was like all their hugs before, only Steve held tighter than usual. Steve had just lost Tony, a person whom to Bucky did not mean much - yes, Bucky understood Tony sacrificed his life for half of the universe, but he could still not forgive him for what happened.

Breaking from the embrace, Steve kept his hand on Bucky's shoulder. "Things are going to be different from here on out."

"That's what I'm worried about," Bucky admitted. "All this time has gone by and it feels like just yesterday that Thanos..."

"I know, for you it must. For me... well... It's been a long five years," Steve replied with a sigh. His hand fell to his side. There was a different look in his eye than Bucky remembered. He didn't have the same spark, the same flare of confidence and optimism.

"He showed me the life Ophelia and I could have had if she hadn't died," Bucky blurted, getting it out made his stomach twist into knots. Saying she was dead, even though he had long since come to terms with it, forced other things to rise. Thoughts that he should have died, not her.

"Thanos?" Steve asked.

Bucky nodded. "It was a good life, Steve."

For once, Steve was rendered speechless. No comforting words, no promise that things were going to get better. He had nothing to say to that, because there was nothing that could be done. Nothing that could make the life Thanos showed Bucky come true. Instead, Steve just sighed, placing his hand on Bucky's shoulder again.

"It's good to have you back, Buck," Steve said to Bucky, clearly hoping his own friendship could fill some of the void that Ophelia left.

Reminding himself to be thankful for this, this second chance, Bucky smiled at Steve. "When's Tony's service?"

Steve looked around at the field. "I think it'll be a few days of clean up, but Pepper wants to hold the service two days from now."

"I'll be there," Bucky said. Then he patted Steve's shoulder and nodded towards T'Challa, who was talking in his native tongue to Okoye. Both of them turned to Bucky as he approached. Nervously, Bucky said to them, "You have given me more than I deserve, a place to live, a place to be free from the world and how they look at me. I know things have changed since... well, since the world found out about Wakanda. After the service, if I'm not too much of a burden..."

"The children love you," T'Challa said with a smile that revealed his perfect teeth. "You will always have a place in Wakanda."

"Thank you," Bucky replied. There were a handful of times Bucky could recall being as thankful as he was in that moment. When Steve had rescued him from HYDRA back in the war. When he remembered Ophelia in the motel. When she agreed to flee America with him. When she recovered from her withdrawal. And when T'Challa allowed him to stay in Wakanda after her death.

When Bucky looked back at Steve, he saw his glazed over look, and wondered what he was thinking.