Madness.

8.

So I clutched onto him as though he would save me from the ocean. I lied to him, told him I would renounce the waves (my friends) to be beside him.

I was so extremely afraid of having to fill my lungs back up with salt water. I was afraid to let the moon see me vulnerable.

He saved me once and I thought he would do so it again.

The sweetness of that sultry lie was easier to swallow than this bitter truth.

I knew, there was no running from this-

 -fate. 

And there was no love for me, 

I knew that now.

I'd give too much of myself to men who didn't want me and then sew the broken pieces of myself with sweet nothings and memories. Knowing that they wouldn't hold forever but they would hold for a moment and perhaps that was all I needed. A second of love, a minute of nostalgia, an hour of sex. A night full of tears staining my pillows, 

full of screams no one would hear, 

full of earthquakes that no one seemed to feel but me!

I was destined to live a life of acrimony. 

Bound in my own pitiful recluse.

When we finished eating, we went back to the penthouse.

And I removed my clothes-

and in broad daylight I gave my body away to my make shift Saviour. My whole body, bare and broken and stitched - knowing that I wouldn't need it anyway. I was Frankenstein's failure, you see, a combination of parts from unwanted corpses, destined to die a painful death.

This was the beginning of my destruction, you see. 

This was how I'd die.

Blue held me tightly as we waited for dawn, plunging in and out of me, sweating as our release came, kissing these corpse cold lips of mine. And I kissed back, hoping that he'd read the arching's of my spine and the murmurs of my moans, I was begging him to love me in my wordless agony. I was begging him to be my ocean. 

Our orgasms came, like rushing water, coming and going. Taking too much of me away with them.

He moaned her name. 

He moaned my sisters name like a silent prayer to an absent god. Each solid word against my cold stolid lips. This passion was not mine to keep. It was my sisters to rule. Perhaps she was the queen of everything.

I watched as my sanity got out of the bed, leaving the both of us behind here. And I let it go. I let it leave me - knowing I wouldn't need it anyway.

We lay silently in the bed. 

He fell asleep, holding a stolen cadaver by his side. A man awed by a sick love. He held onto her like she was there. He couldn't see the frayed lungs hacked blue, the cold bones in his bed beside him. In his mind this body was not Ryanne's. For I was not myself. I was my sister.  

It was 02:27 in the morning. She stared at the plain white ceiling, breathless and empty. Acid rain leaking from her eyes and onto the pillow. 

Her body unable to move.

Her hands, wrapped across my mouth to conceal my worthless cries. The voices in her head returned to shame me. If only tears had colours, how beautiful her chaos would look at this very moment, stretched across her pillow.

She trembled as she slowly got out of the bed. 

She put on the clothes she could find.

She grabbed the car keys, and some money and her passport.

I wiped my tears away. 

I got inside the car and 

drove into the empty city.

Going faster as I drove.

A scream ripped itself from my throat, the storm returned full force, crushing my chest as if to kill me this time. I gasped for air, accelerating to my death. 

I want to die.

I went faster.

I need to die!

Faster.

I'm going to die!

Faster.

Right now!

Faster. Dammit.

I wanna die.

Drive faster!

I wanna die.

Don't you dare slow down!

I want this pain to stop 

Don't you dare stop!

I just want someone to love me back, dammit!

That's all I want.

That's all I've ever wanted.

I'm fighting with myself now. I'm letting my lack of sanity take over now. I'm grinning through my tears now. I'm letting Ryanne go now. So she can rest her head while I drive.

This is it.

I smiled through the storm, seeing its end before me. My rainbow, clutching promise of joy to her chest like her sick child.

This is madness.

This is all I have left.

And my, my 

- Isn't it just gorgeous?