Madness.

7.

Blue pulls me to him. I do not look at them. I stare at the abyss beneath my feet. I must be going mad. I almost see it move an inch, I almost see it grow. I stare in profound horror. I stare in a crippling fear. I know the intensity of my glare alone will do nothing. I know it may never leave. I know that I must leave this familiar darkness before it swallows me whole.

"It's been so long sis, gotta say I was worried about you after-" She smoothed and smiled as if this were a preceding joke.

I want her dead.

Dead.

So dead that death is envious.

"-you know." She continued.

I won't even bury her, 

I'll dump her in a desert,

let the rats deal with what's left.

I will show her that red is the true colour of royalty.

"Stop, Melina that's enough" says Arthur.

"So Carter, how long have you two been a thing?" Asks Melina.

Carter?

His name is Carter?

How do they know each other?

Carter.

I prefer Blue.

He's too Blue to be a Carter.

"About a month today" He isn't lying.

"Oh and a where did you meet?" She continues.

"The middle of the ocean." He replies, blunt as pencil. Oblivious to the absurdity of what had been said.

I feel familiar eye's burn my flesh.

He's looking at me. Dammit Arthur stop it. Look at your new queen. Look at the mother of your child. Forget my existence, you never had trouble with it before. 

I won't be here too long anyway.

"You're kidding." Announced my sister.

"Oh I wish I was" Replied Blue

"How about you two? Rain's told me you're expecting."

"Yep, 4 months in" 

There's no baby bump of any sorts but I choose to ignore it.

"Great."

"Thank you."

An eerie silence, one that I enjoyed, attained the space between us.

"How are you, Ry?" She asks.

The abyss grows beneath my feet. My legs are noodles, refusing to lend me support. I think, I am slowly sinking to my death.

"Alive" I reply. 

The worst state I've been in.

"Excuse me." With that I try to walk away. 

I watch the darkness begin to swallow everything I own. There goes my reason. There goes my smile. I see my make shift patchwork composure sink into the ground along with everything else.

That cold, empty feeling returns to my chest. 

"Take me home" I whispered to Blue.

"Just a little longer" He replied.

"Fine, I will wait in the car or just anywhere besides this place." I answered back. I turned around to leave.

"Rain, wait!" He held me still.

"Blue, let me go" I whisper in a voice so low, the ground be envious.

"Please." I plead

"I guess we're both leaving then" He replies.

"Ryan-" Says Arthur.

"Arthur." Says broken.

"Ryan I-"

"I never got to say congratulations" I laugh to bury my demise, "I wish you both the best"

With that we left.

Blue and I endured a silent drive to the hotel.

We made our way back to our suite in silence too.

I did this all whilst holding in pained tears. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I wanted to destroy things. I wanted to destroy myself. 

He had done it first. Any efforts I had wouldn't compare to his own.

He left me.

He'd really done it. He dressed her in expensive linen. Brought her to meet all his friends. 

So as midnight crawled away, I found myself at Blue's door. Still draped in a red dress that had an uncanny resemblance to my birthday dress. 

I knocked. 

I heard a low response instruct me to enter.

I walked in. 

Fully aware of what I was doing. 

I walked towards him like he was my ocean. His tired breaths in this empty silence, simulate the sounds of waves. Or friends.

Blue sat awake, at the foot of his bed. Shirtless and melancholy. Shrouded in moonlight and equal darkness. 

Dark rings surrounded his eyes and for the first time, he looked weak.

In the silence he promises to take the pain away.  In the empty he promises to never leave me.

I almost believe him.

But everything does.

I pulled down the zipper of my dress.

I let it fall to my knees.

Standing naked before him I beg for him to take the pain away. Even if it be for just a second.

He rises to his feet. Stands before me with his eyes trained to my own. He says nothing. For no words are needed. His places his lips against my own, pulls my body towards his own.

I search for music in the urgent clashing of our teeth. I search for rhythm in the movement of his hands. I listen. I listen hard to hear the musicians of before. The ones that made me feel before. I cannot hear them. There is no order in this.

I do not know how my back was placed against his silk. I do not know when he removed his clothes.

There's this pain in my chest. I can't get it out. This, pain. I can't get it out. Suddenly I'm happy again. Suddenly I can breath again. I stop inhaling stones, I stop exhaling knives. Suddenly everything he'd done, means nothing.

I squirm and writhe. Dancing to the dissolved memory of a broken symphony.

With each kiss, I conjure pieces of myself to replace all that is missing.

He promises to fix me. A simple wager, he says. 

"Give me whats left of you and I will make you whole" His actions promise.

With each slue of moans and incoherent mumbles, I sign myself to him.

And in the dawn after, with my head lain on his armoured chest.

I know the truth. 

He was now my ruler.

Ruler of my soul.