There I sat with the blade in my hand. Going over and over the cut on my arm. Feeling relieved at the feeling of the blade slicing my skin. Smiling as the blood starts to trickle down my arm. Tears stream down my face as I leave the reality once more.
I look at my previous cuts, fading but still visible. I promised myself I'll never do it again...there I was...doing what I did best. My throaght was raspy from all the crying.
I sat up and walked to the bathroom. As I rinsed my arm I stared at my face. The ugly thing I've been cursed with. Cold blue eyes stair back at me. I've lost all sence of reality. I'm stuck between music and fantasty. But what can I do about it? Nothing. Abselutly nothing.
I'm stuck with this pain. With no one to share with. My head feels foggy as I listen to Xxxtentacion say:"...suicide if you ever try to let go...I'm sad I know..." must be those pills I took.
My throaght is killing me. My nose is cloged up. My face red and my eyes swolen and puffy. I walk through the days like a zombie.
I'm tired of faking my hapiness. I'm tired of faking the dump blonde who is to stupid to stand up for her. I'm tired of being the victim. I want to control my own life. I'm tired of being everyones punching bag.
I want to escape this thing called reality. Oh wait. I already did. I want to be happy. I want to feel love. I want to feel special. I want to belong.
I'm still that scared little girl. I'm still that pathetic child, escaping to fantasy. Where unicorns live. Where birds sing. Where I'm happy. But reality has a way of finding me. It always brings me back with a bang. It comes ruins everything and leaves scars behind as it goes.
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Dear reader:
This story is based on feelings. Its like diary entries. Everything in this 'story' is real. If, in anyway, you feel that im being rude or something else. Please tell me, but dont be nasty...please. What ever you do dont hurt yourself in anyway, get help. I dont want all yall lovely peeps doing the same shit i did. The blonde girl in the picture above 'scars' that's me... this is my first time writing my feelings in a story. I'm not open about my feelings so this is a first for me.
Love
smaegan2
X♡X
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