I'm going to be saying some stuff that I haven't said to any of my friends and family.
I know that by putting this out, I might get some hate but deep down, I'm sure I'm not a bad person and I know that we all do mistakes. And I'm also aware that writing this might be a huge one but honestly, I don't even care anymore.
I'm lesbian.
(That's it, you can go now if you want. Thanks for your attention.)
"Wait! What is going on?! I'm so confused, I totally did not expect this!! What? How? When? Where? Why? What do you mean by "I don't care anymore"? Why would this be a mistake? Why didn't you tell me before? Please, answer my questions!!"
I'll try my best to clarify whatever doubts you may have because of this shocking statement. But I don't ensure you anything.
I literally just told you what I wanted to say so I'm going to combine the next four questions into a big single paragraph.
I don't remember where or why but approximately two years ago I changed the course of my existence with a question: What if I like girls?
At first I was really scared by this, and as I figured out the answer I began to ask myself more questions like: What if my family doesn't accept me? What if I get left out because of this? What if someone finds out and exposes me?
Every single doubt I had, every single query I made to myself had an if on it. And at that "phase" of my life I cried a lot and I was worried all the time. It was crazy. And exhausting.
With the support of a close friend of mine and a bit of time (some months) I finally got to a conclusion, I definitely liked girls and I was probably bisexual.
"Bisexual? But you just said that you were lesbian-"
I know what I wrote, I though that I was bisexual because all of my life I've been told that men and women made the natural marriage and all that stuff, so if I liked girls if I also liked boys, it wouldn't be that bad.
So a half of a year passed and one day all of a sudden I got a new conclusion, I definitely liked girls, I never liked or will like boys and I was lesbian. I don't know how or why but I just knew it and it felt right.
"You made me read all of that to tell me that you don't have a real explanation?"
Yes I did. And I'm not sorry.
So the next step was coming out, the most terrifying step of them all.
I obviously wasn't ready so I waited, in silence, just taking all of the jokes and stupid things some people say. I also used to erase every single conversation or thing in my phone that said or even insinuated homosexuality.
Here comes the answer to the sixth question.
But first, let me tell you one thing about the closet: It is the most boring and exasperating thing that "exists" in this world. Why? Because if you don't want to be outed you have to watch out of everything that you do or say. You let a "she" slip out and you're dead.
So that's basically why I don't care anymore, because I'm tired of being in the closet.
BUT as I casually just step out of the closet, there is also a risk that this "letter" could make things really bad and kind of awkward. But as I said before I don't care, I take the responsibility for whatever will come at me.
And why I didn't I tell you before? Because I'm still terrified and I'm also really awkward and I prefer to avoid this kind of conversations.
I hope that I cleared everything for you, and that this doesn't change our relationship. If you have more questions or something that you want to tell me, just do it, but don't be rude, I'm already messed up.
