LIBERATION || L. MESSI

FIVE

He had felt happy tonight, surrounded by friends and his sons, and now his facade had been shattered once again.

Was he wrong to experience happiness? Two years should heal a lot. Yet he felt so guilty for experiencing that emotion. He felt wrong for being happy, because he had nearly destroyed other people's happiness. He didn't deserve to feel that way.

With a shake of his head, he tried to stand from Mateo's bedside, but his legs wouldn't take the weight of his body, making his knees buckle below him. It was more effort on top of that to drag himself out of the room before his breathing became too heavy to control.

He managed it, how he did not know, but he dragged himself on his hands and knees out of the child's bedroom, resting against the wall on the landing. Back presssd flush against the wall he felt that all too familiar ache in his chest as his mind became foggy. The feeling came over him without giving too much time to prepare, and he found himself grabbing onto the frame of the doorway on his left hand side. He needed that to ground him. To remind him he was here, at home, in twenty seventeen; not back there two years ago.

Struggling for breath, Leo grabbed at his hair with his other hand, as if trying to tear the memories from his mind. The only comfort as the panic waved over him was the thought of his sleeping son's in the room around him.

He felt weak. He was meant to be here to protect them, and here he was using them to keep his own selfish self grounded.

The wash of panic left almost as suddenly as it came, and then Leo was back to being alone in a deserted hallway. Isolation hitting him.

Pulling himself to his feet, he trudged downstairs, coming out in the kitchen and using the counter as a means to hold himself up. The marble was cool under his hands, giving a sense of relief to his aching bones. Cooling the burning guilt built up in his body.

It was a moment before he felt well enough to move, even longer after that before the sick feeling in his stomach subsided.

Even after he could breathe again, the worst part was trying to push away the anticipation of that anxiety returning. It haunted him with every breath as he counted the seconds to check his pace wasn't changing too much.

As his focus fell back on the kitchen room ahead of him, it centred on a bottle in the corner. It wasn't a real solution to his anxiety, but it was something that gave him that temporary relief. Something he had turned to when everything crashed and burned.

In the back of his mind, Leo knew he shouldn't - especially whilst the boys were upstairs. He shouldn't give in to that temptation.

But he did.

And one sip turned into a gulp. A gulp into swig until the burning effect of the liquid hit the back of his head. That well known dizzy feeling overcoming his senses.

One drink was enough, he had told himself, but eventually that one drink - as it always did - turned into many, until the bottom was nearly empty and the Argentinian could barely stand anymore.

In the bleak state he dragged himself to the counter, sucking the droplets off of the glass in a sad protest against finishing the drink. The countertop felt fake under his touch, his fingertips no longer distinguishing between textures. Every feeling blended together and Leo let the intoxication move through his body, riding the high that it brought him.

Thoughts of the boys upstairs came to him. Sleeping soundly in their beds as their mess of a father ruined his life below them.

And he was a mess.

In Leo's mind, he would always be a disappointment to those children. He would always be the man who risked everything in a careless moment of his life. A moment in which he could have lost everything - and he only held onto half.

"You can't keep acting like this!" The woman in his head screamed, left hand gripping the car door tightly as it moved around the corner. Her other rested over the large bump she bore. "You know I hate arguing with you-" she was cut off by a sudden acceleration in the vehicle's speed "Leo slow down!"

He didn't listen. Of course, he never listened to her. That was her biggest peeve. With a toddler at home and another one on the way, all she wanted was for him to listen.

She let out a whimper, gripping on to her unborn child. That caught his attention, a whip of the head to the right.

Perhaps he should have just taken up the option to get a taxi. He had only had one or two drinks. Maybe three. Or four. Yet something possessed him to drive.

"Antonella?" he asked quietly, his attention diverted from the road to watching as she rubbed her stomach in circles.

No response came except for a loud bang as the car collided with something in front of it. Neither knew what the mysterious object was, but Leo recognised the crippling scream of his girlfriend in agony as their bodies went flying through the air.

And just like that the pain was back. Pain that he wanted to claw from his body, but it was stuck to his heart. Maybe, if given the option, he would have clawed out his heart too.

Once the tears began to fall there was no stopping them: a drunken, crying mess on the floor. Leo just wanted to feel at home, yet he felt so isolated even under his own roof.

No one understood. Not one of his teammates or family. No one that wanted to speak with him, at least. He had ruined the one strong source of communication he had had, and along with that risked losing the comfort of his sons.

He just wanted someone to talk to. Someone who knew how horrible loneliness was. How silence was enough to cause sirens and insults in his mind. He needed a friend, but no one would ever be there for him because no one would ever understand.

There was one person. A risk but, in his drunken state he couldn't comprehend much else other than the ache in his heart and the sting of his tears.

There was one person who might understand that feeling.

So, with liquid courage dripping from his body, mixing in with the bitter salted tears, he scrolled through his phone for the name he had gathered earlier in the night. This was made harder through the blurring of the water settling in his eyes, but he found it, and without a second thought he pressed the call.

"Hello?" The voice came after the third ring.

"Cordelia?"

-

a/n: short and rushed but<3 i made myself sad writing this lol and i have the plot planned out whoops (i promise it will have a happy ending i'm not that mean)

leo both irl and fictional owns my heart basically.

yeah that's it. i can't really say much else after this ahaha. vote etc etc you know i adore you. comment and tell me how much you hate me for making leo sad<<33

love, fay x