The things we can't control

September 7th

I found it under a pile of clothes. I guess I didn't look hard enough.

5:09 pm

So, I'm going to my next chemo session. All thanks to you. Your words have so much impact on me and you just have a very hopeful way of looking at things which I think rubs off on the people you talk to. When we talked, you made me feel like I'll make it to 25, and that feeling is amazing. Even if it will always be just a feeling.

6:13 pm

You're so cute when you're sleeping. 20 minutes ago you fell asleep on my bed and I've just been sitting here against the wall writing while you sleep like an innocent baby. An hour ago you let me "fly" for a few minutes on your feet before I fell over and accidentally elbowed you in the stomach. Sorry about that. That doesn't mean you had to tickle the life out me. Gosh Dylan you know that I'm insanely ticklish, but that's probably why you do it.

We both have this thing I call "mean affection". It's when you show affection by being "mean", but of course in a playful and loving way. We would never disrespect each other. 

I wonder what's going on in your mind. You're lying on your back and you just look so peaceful. You know what I find so interesting about watching someone sleep? It's that you are watching them while they're in their most helpless state. They just lay there, but they aren't really there. They're somewhere else, wherever they want to be.

You felt safe here with me, in my room, that you allowed yourself to fall asleep. You allowed yourself to become helpless in front of me. I feel honoured. I want to lay with you and feel warm both inside and out. But I won't do that, because this is not a dream, and I can't be wherever I want to be.