Feeling writer

BeLIVING, I AM LIVING TO BELIEVE

'We believe in you, You are the best, You can do it! You will win, We're proud of you.'

Words we used to hear from proud parents. And how I wish I could hear one from mine. But the truth slaps. The truth kills. The truth makes me turn into 'no one'.

I don't know if I was born with lack of confidence or it just happen while I am growing up. And you know what? I grew up believing that those compliments from other people were just lies. I grew up not trusting anyone and even MYSELF. Lol, I don't believe in myself. Seventeen years living with this two words, 'I cannot'.

But there were my friends who truly believes in me, who always tell me those compliments, who always make me feel how amazing I am. And there was me thinking that it was a lie. All I know is I am not what they think I am. As they say 'You can always be more than what you are now.' 'You are talented.' My reply was always 'No I can't.' , 'No, I am not.' And they always thought that I was just being humble. Humility? No, it's not. I'm not humble, i just don't believe.

They say, 'You should believe in yourself first before others believe in you.' Is that true? So why did people believe in me even if I don't even trust myself?

Let me tell you the reason why.

Try to imagine those people you should love next to God. Your family, your parents. Yes, I love them. I really do. I know I can't live without them. I lived for seventeen years showing them what I can be, and who I really am. And sometimes trying hard to be who I cannot be, just to hear those thirteen letters and five words from him. I AM PROUD OF YOU.
But my best wasn't good enough, and my best was not the BEST for him.

I thought this time was not like our miserable past, but I was wrong. I thought you've changed, but I was wrong. You are still changing.
Everytime I tried to gain self condifence, it was always wrong timing. It is always the time that you hurt me by your words.

That someone whom I thought to be my number one fan is someone whose waiting for my failure, someone whose waiting for me to fall.

For the man who came first into my life, I was hurt, your words are killing me. But you'd never heard anything from me, because I still respect you, I still love you. I'm sorry if I can't be the perfect daughter.

And for the people who believe in me, thank you for everything. From now on, I will believe, trust and love myself as much as you do.
I will because I know that I can. That's because of you.

I am doing this not to prove him wrong, but to prove what other people believe.

**** Dear poetry,
                  Thanks for always hearing me out.

-Meng
4-25-17